So I'm on a contract for a company doing a skilled thing for them. (Trying to be super general just in case lol). What I'm getting paid is too low for the skill I am performing for them, which is something I've been refining for more than half my life. They're super happy with the work I'm doing so far, it seems.
I think I just still have a hangover from years of school conditioning. I work super slowly. I WFH and take lots and lots of breaks to look at Reddit, etc. I'm meeting all the deadlines but also taking way longer to do things than I would if I actually just sat down and did them. I still meet all my deadlines, but it's also the type of workplace where I have a lot of say in how much gets put on my plate, and I'm definitely dragging things out. Like taking like wayy longer to finish something I could reasonably finish in a much shorter time if I just sat down and did it.
Some days I do really sit down and hammer stuff out for like majority of my work day, but most days I do not. I worked today on a holiday because as a contractor I don't get PTO, and I need all the money I can get right now.
I just feel immense guilt for this. I feel like I'm going to be “found out”. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel like I should be pushing myself to be much more productive, right now I feel like I'm lying to them.
Honestly I use dissociation as a coping mechanism (childhood trauma and ofc general capitalist societal trauma) and I can't really just turn that off for the workday. It's part of who I am right this moment and who I am also makes me good at the job I'm doing. So that's why I feel like I want to feel like it's okay. Anyways…. My partner pointed out that I am so antiwork in theory, but then in my actual job I have all of this guilt lol. Curious about others perspectives!