Lie.
No, seriously. Do you have a gap in your employment you can't explain? Make some shit up. Find a closed local business and throw them on your resume, make up a story about going to work for a family friend who really needed the help, get a friend to handle a call and pretend to be your last boss and talk you up.
Practice your lies.
Do you think actors read through a script once, then go stand in front of a camera and deliver a performance? No. They practice. They go over it. Smooth out the details. You're not just practicing your script, you've got to write it too. Cover the angles. Come up with answers to potential questions which maintain an internal logical consistency across the entire lie. Practice in front of a mirror.
The two acceptable answers to “What is your biggest weakness” are “I hate being late to things, it gets under my skin” or “I am a perfectionist and I have to sometimes let good enough be good enough to not waste time”
Ok not the only actual two answers, but you get the idea. Your weakness is either you get irritated at something that would easily irritate the interviewer, or you try too hard lol.
DO NOT BRING UP REAL LIFE PROBLEMS IN AN INTERVIEW, EVER!
They do not need to know you're short on rent. They do not need to know you have ADHD, depression, anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar, etc. You DO NOT HAVE TO DISCLOSE DISABILITY ON HIRE AND THEY CANNOT FIRE YOU FOR ASKING FOR ACCOMODATIONS POST HIRE.
Do not tell them your problems. Do not look for sympathy. The favored candidate is the candidate who needs none.
Bootlick the company, not the interviewer
Interviewers are used to people trying to win them over. After all, their literal job is to talk to people selling themselves and no one knows that sales isn't always ethical better than someone whos entire job is to talk to salespeople.
But boot licking the company requires paying enough attention to the company to do it accurately. And boot licking the company is not about brand loyalty. Its about appreciating what the company does in some way, that you totally 100% fabricated most likely (but hey if you actually like your company power to you). Whether you are obsessed with McDonalds Hash Browns and want them to let you fry them, or you love the contribution your company is making to pharmaceutical research and want to participate, bootlicking well is about wanting to get involved in something. Interviewers LOVE to hear you want to be involved.
Bring up Salary before the first interview
You genuinely do not want to talk salary in the first interview. Its a meet and greet and that is never a pleasant topic for an interviewer. If you wanna work to rule, don't even show up to an interview without getting a salary disclosure so that you have already talked about it and can confirm in a later interview what you have in writing in your email or whatever.
If you wanna be more meek about it, just wait until a later interview to bring it up. But you know, this being /r/antiwork and all I highly suggest getting salary shit out of the way before you hit the interview if at all possible so that the interview doesn't have to include talking about it the first time you meet with the hiring staff.
Your appearance and body language have more to do with getting hired than your qualifications for any role that is not absolutely critical to the operation of the business that you are actually qualified to perform.
Know your role (that you are applying to) and whether or not its a role where you need to emphasize your qualifications or a position where you need to be someone the interviewer wants to see in the break room.
Hint: You always kinda need to be someone the interviewer wants to see in the break room.
Double hint: Eye contact and a calm, confident tone with a slow rate of speech wins. Talking too fast in particular will kill you in interviews.
Always have a backup plan
If you want to not talk to fast and be a nervous wreck it really helps to not put all your eggs in one basket.