Please offer me any advice you have. I just feel miserable and alone.
(TL;DR at the bottom)
I (18M) am currently “no show”ing work (a small retail store), because my anxiety is so bad. I did the same on Thursday because I had a full on meltdown (I am autistic) about going to work. It’s a wonder they didn’t already fire me, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they do after today. I know it’s bad, but I’m too anxious, overwhelmed, etc. right now to do anything about it.
I feel like such a failure. I have quit three “easy” retail/fast food jobs in the last year and a half, each within 3 weeks of starting. I got this job like 2 weeks ago… I can go the first few shifts, then something seems to break in me and I dread going back or physically can’t. I live in a small town too, and now I feel embarrassed to go anywhere for fear that I will run into an ex-coworker and they will judge me.
This job wasn’t even that bad. My coworkers were nice, most customers were friendly, but I was on my feet 4+ hours each shift, checking customers out, then stocking shelves, then cleaning, on repeat. I would come home sore and in physical pain because of back and leg issues, and because I am not used to so much physical activity.
I am also a trans man, but I haven’t done any medical transitioning yet (because I have no money for it). Despite this, I thought I was passing ok. I use the mens restroom and locker room at the pool. No one says anything. But at work all I get from customers is “she”, “miss,” “lady”, etc. it makes me want to die but I just have to smile and ignore it. I can’t look in the mirror anymore because all I see is some ugly girl pretending to be a boy.
I have no money, no car, and I’m still in high school because I am struggling to graduate. I can’t afford testosterone or surgeries or even a binder because I have no money.
I live in my grandparents basement and can’t pay rent but I want to. I don’t want to live with them forever, but I don’t know how I could ever afford to leave. I want to die. Please help me figure this out.
TL;DR: I am autistic and can’t socially or physically keep up at work. I had another meltdown and missed my second shift in a row. I am also trans and keep getting misgendered at work. I want to quit if I don’t get fired first, but I need money for testosterone, a car, and to move out. What can I possibly do?