In 2021, I suffered from a major depressive episode and psychosis that lead to me quitting my job, leaving my apartment with roommates, and moving back in with my parents. I am now diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.
I am soon going to apply for disability, as I am running out of money and I don’t want to be as independent from my parents as I can.
Right now, I can’t imagine myself going back to work. I still think about ending my life most every day, as my future seems bleak. I used to work at an industrial laundry facility, which if I actually being paid what I was worth, I think I would have been content. I still didn’t like my job, but I’d be more willing to put up with it.
I don’t want more money. I just want enough to live, and for my sense of joy to return. I spend a lot of time in bed. I just don’t have much life inside me anymore. The thought of working while feeling so dead inside just makes me want to die more. I feel weak and ashamed.
I don’t even have anything much to offer the world in terms of creativity and art. I have a bachelors in English, but I struggled to care about what I was learning in college, and my mind is not what it used to be.
I want to be able to work again, just enough to reclaim some independence, and take care of myself. It’d be nice to be on my own and out of my parents house again.