I am 32. I work at a luxury retail store. I am stuck in a cycle. When I start a new job, I am happy, have a positive outlook, I am motivated, I have hope for the future. But then the cracks begin to show.
I become passionate about the job. I don’t come to work to make friends, still I try to get along with everyone and not be a miserable partner. I try to do my job well, from the tasks to the interpersonal relationships. But the cracks begin to show.
I love my coworkers. I always think they are exceptionally smart and too good to be doing what we do. I feel the same for myself. But sometimes I wish they did more to contribute to our collective success. I am frustrated by their lack of respect and callous disregard for how hard I try to work for them. I wish they focused and learned as hard as I try to. I realize this is a “me” problem, but I can’t move past it.
I bring up concerns to my managers. I get irrationally furious inside that they do not do anything about them. I bring up concerns that lose the business money. I present solutions. They seem to care, but they do not. They twist my words and ideas. This frustration hardens into resentment.
I start to see how poorly the company is actually run. I start to realize that nobody knows anything. I start to wonder how anything even gets done at all. I lose business because of the collective incompetence of the organization. I tell my managers I am feeling burnt out for these reasons. I tell them the expectations are too high and the control is too low. They seem to care, but they do not. They cannot care. There is nothing they can do either.
I start to vent more and more. I hate this about myself, but I am frantically seeking validation. I wish so desperately to not feel alone in seeing the cracks. My peers see the cracks, and they care, but they do not care like I care.
I start to hear myself sounding like a broken record. I am disgusted. I cannot hold it in. I try to suppress it. I try so hard. Now I am crying every day before work. I am crying while I put my makeup on. I am crying while I drive in to work. My face is physically altered all day from crying. Someone asks me if I’m ok. I say “yes” as tears well up in my eyes. I am not ok. I am really not ok.
I am too emotional. I can’t switch stores, I can’t get a promotion. I can’t affect change in any real way. I apply to hundreds of other jobs, but I know they’re all they same. I am so tired from my 40 hours to make any real changes to my skills or education. It is all I can do just to get some sleep, a workout, and meal prep on my days off. Every day I need a break.
This job is somehow worse than all the others. Each one gets worse. Each time I get worse. The cycle gets shorter with every new job. I am terrified I will never find purpose in this cycle. I am terrified I will never break it. Every day I feel fear.
Someday I will quit. I will tell everyone “I am never coming back.” I will panic. I will come back. The cycle always begins again.
There is nowhere to go. There is nowhere to grow. The future looks bleak with decades more of the same cycle. I feel helpless. I don’t know how to break it. I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I felt like these people who love their jobs and the service of others. But I hate it. I hate it because it takes everything from you and then asks for more.
I guess all I am here to say is don’t do it. Don’t be like me. Don’t take retail jobs out of high school. Don’t take retail jobs because the brand is prestigious. Do not get stuck in this cycle. It will take everything from you, and then ask for more. It will break your soul and leave you hollow. You deserve better. I hope it is not too late for me.