I know I'm going to get raked over the coals for this and I'm really ashamed and honestly embarrassed as hell about this. I went from making $18 an hour and received a “raise” of $2.25 and now make $20.25 an hour. Under any other circumstance, I think most people would celebrate because yay, a raise. But because I received SNAP, Medicaid and WIC for myself and my daughter, I had to notify my case worker (and got scolded by her for not informing her “immediately” when I received my raise. Now I'm worried I'm going to get in trouble with social services) and received a letter in the mail earlier this week that my SNAP benefits went from $208 a month…to $28 a month. I lost Medicaid because I am above the limit. The only thing I didn't fully lose was my WIC benefits.
It's still not enough to live off of. My rent is going up $200 in April from $900 to $1100. I have a one bedroom apartment and still co-sleep with my toddler because I can't afford a toddler bed for her. That $208 a month I would receive in SNAP benefits is what really fed us throughout the month – shopping at Aldi and WalMart, mostly. I buy the cheapest diapers and wipes, eat a lot of peanut butter and potatoes and sometimes skip meals so my daughter has enough to eat, only shower every other day to keep the water bill low, keep our apartment at 66 to keep our power bill low. According to my case worker, I should “make enough” to cover rent, electric, water, gas, trash, the list goes on and on. But I don't. I regularly have to juggle which utility can be paid, which can be put off, I have to calculate groceries down to the penny.
My child's biological father doesn't pay child support and hasn't in months. He's currently in jail for sexually assaulting a minor. He was abusive to me so it doesn't surprise me that he went after someone younger. Of course his parents and siblings and friends are saying he's innocent because the child he assaulted “looked older and he had no idea”
He is required to pay $80 a week in child support but I might have seen that every other month, if I'm lucky. My case worker knows he's supposed to pay but he can't pay anything if he's in jail so it's just sitting in arrears. He doesn't care about her and never did in the first place. I've done everything I can to keep her happy and healthy but here I am, looking at lower paying jobs again just to get my assistance back.
Yesterday I sent my kid to daycare like normal. Got a call on my lunch break that she was coughing and I needed to come pick her up because the woman running the daycare said it sounded like a wet cough. I had to leave work early and get a passive aggressive “Wow, your kid gets sick a lot huh?” from my manager – which I don't blame her for. She doesn't have kids but damn, it sucks. Whenever my kid is sick and has to have a doctor's note to go back to daycare, I get one for myself too so I'm covered.
Pick my kid up and yeah,she's sick. She has a fever and a cough. Her pediatrician couldn't see her because they had no sick appointments available and the on call nurse said to take her to urgent care. Spent almost two hours waiting to be seen at urgent care and failing to keep a mask on my toddler. When the doctor saw her, he said it was a chest cold and there was nothing to really be done besides giving her fluids, meds for her fever and recommended over the counter cough medicines for her. Said to take her back to her pediatrician if it got worse or if her fever spiked to 104. We ended up being at the urgent care until after 7 pm and I went to WalMart to get her medicine.
At this point, my daughter was tired, cranky, coughing hard enough to constantly drink out of her water bottle. She looked and felt miserable. I had less than thirty dollars in my bank account until I get paid again, and that's when all of the bills are due. The zarbee's cough and mucus was nearly $20 for the night and day two pack, or almost $13 for just the daytime pack. My daughter was going in between coughing and crying, ripping her mask off, practically going feral to get out of the cart and I was getting nasty looks from others (because I know how awful it is to take a sick kid out but I didn't have much choice, couldn't leave her in the car for fucks sake) I just got so overwhelmed, put the zarbee's in the cart and grabbed other few groceries we needed, Just a few things to get us through until my WIC reloads. When I went through self check out, I just didn't ring up the zarbee's because I couldn;t afford it. I just sat my other bags on top of the box and walked out feeling like I was sweating bullets the whole time.
I still feel so guilty and gross and felt even worse when we got back home and I had to practically force my daughter to take it. She ended up spiting over half of the medicine back out, all down her shirt and tried to wipe her face, which got the medicine in her hair, so she had to get a bath. Ended up giving her another half dose in the bathtub while she cried and had a fit to get out because all she wanted was “uppy uppy”. I just cried along with her because I felt so bad. For her being sick and miserable and mad at myself that I had to stoop so low. I know WalMart isn't going to hurt that much over some zarbee's, but I've never stolen anything in my life before. I shouldn't have to do this. I am straight up terrified of going back to that WalMart and my stomach turns into knots when I think about it.
The welfare cliff really fucking sucks and I wish I could be happy about getting a “raise” and making slighty more money but now I'm just feeling down and low and shitty. It shouldn't be this hard to provide for my child, it shouldn't be this hard to live period. Her cough is getting better so I'm hoping I can take her back to daycare on Monday with the note from the urgent care doc but I am just so tired of struggling and having anxiety nightmares about which bill's gonna get paid this time or not. I just want a little breathing room and to wake up one morning feeling okay and not a pit of despair in my stomach. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way but damn it would be nice not to worry or stress for just a few goddamn days.