Guess this is a bit of a rant. Anyway I’ve been struggling with bills and just barely making rent. It’s been two months since my fiancé’s job burnt down, and at that time she made the majority of our combined income. At first “Evelin” got a few hours – maybe sixteen hours on average a week, from assisting in some clean up or working at other stores. She’s so scared and does her best not to show it, as do I. But we are open about our fears so we are on the same page, which helps us stay strong.
I’ve been instacarting since the beginning of the year as much as I can, but I know it’s not enough. Which is why it makes me feel better being able to say I found employment. If only just to bring Evelin and I a bit of relief from the fear. But I can’t give up this feeling of failure in myself. I just wish I could do things right i guess. Other times I wish I could recognize when I make the right choices. And then theres the moments where I feel like I know I accomplished something that will help myself and Evelin and even our pets. Overwhelming.
Then there’s this fucked up world that makes me feel like the smallest creature at the very bottom of the vast ocean above. A dense pool of murky water where worse than leviathans live within. A heavy sky with no atlas keeping it from crushing the world, instead it swallows it whole. But I’ll digress if only to stop myself from sounding overly dramatic.
I really don’t know how i can get myself to fully feel like a job is going to guarantee our well being. I’m not alone in this, and Evelin even goes back to work this coming week. I guess we both have something that gives a modicum of feeling some stability.
And then there is the future, and everyone on this ball that endures heavier, malignant hardships I can never fully understand. It’s all a cancer of a single variant, grown from so many separate cells of greed, prejudice, ignorance and obliviousness. I say so; hoping to be objective, and with humility knowing It’s just my opinion, so it should have only that much merit. I try to speak clearly, so I’m trying to be honest; if only with myself.
I feel better now.