I have an amazing girlfriend, family that cares about me, healthcare I pay way too much for but at least I have it, food, shelter, friends… if I start my thinking out that way, my life sounds pretty fulfilling. I make art, I take walks…. so why do I want to kill myself?
I recently, even though I work full time, had to borrow money from a friend and a family member, just to survive while work furloughed me for a month. I was planning on paying them back. I always get money back. My tax bracket hasn't changed, my life circumstances haven't changed. Nothing has changed except I made $3k more last year, which, they fully taxed….. and I fucking OWE money??
Like why am I doing this, why are we doing this? I have to get a root canal this morning and even after insurance Im having to choose that over groceries. Im stuck in this really weird place where I am so so grateful for all these wonderful things I have in my life, and I walk around all day feeling like a kettle bell is sewn to my chest. I cant breathe, I can only sleep with medication, and Im working my ass off so that I can stay alive long enough to feel the weight get heavier. I only see one way out.
I know a lot of, well, everyone is fed up with, well, almost everything, but I really can't do it anymore. Maybe they want us to off ourselves. I really can't see this going any other way. Even if they raised the minimum wage to $25 no one is going to buy a house. Just… I can't dump all this on my girlfriend and family, and my art isn't going anywhere. I want to be happy but I have been in survival mode for over a decade. I'm turning 37 in a few days and I am $100k in debt, and if anything I own breaks, I can't replace it. I used to be such a positive person but I really don't see life getting any better.