I work at a library and was promoted a year ago to be in charge of running a brand new bookmobile program. I was 24 and had never had a full time job with benefits before and was excited to start up a program and help people! Now it’s a year later and going to work makes me so anxious i’ve had to up my anti-depressants, add an anti anxiety medication, and up my therapy. I am alone. they consistently reiterate this. it’s MY project and i’m allowed to ask for help, but should be on my own. we don’t have a bookmobile. i’m running out of a county car and essentially doing home delivery to elderly people and most people i’ve talked to in the county don’t want our services. it’s so discouraging and my bosses don’t seem to get it. i have no history with business and I didn’t realize that this position would, essentially, be starting a business from scratch. i had some leads from the pre-pandemic service but it’s not much. i’ve been so anxious so some of the failure is my fault, i’ve been procrastinating. but tomorrow i’m asking my boss if we can restructure my role. i hate the bookmobile. i want to work with the public. i miss the chill vibes of the library, i don’t want to spend my day driving in the rain and maybe doing 4 hours of actual library work, and that’s so generous. it doesn’t help that my bosses boss isn’t well versed in library work, yet oversees not only this department, but also the entire recreation department. I think my direct boss will be kind, and i can find a position i can work with, but if not i’ll be heartbroken and scared trying to find a new job. there’s not a lot in my area available right now, and i need at least a full time job paying $19 to be able to keep my apartment and pay my rent.
i don’t want to abandon this job because i really love it, but i feel like i’ve bitten off more than i can chew. i’m so scared they’ll fire me, but from talking to other county workers in my area and my coworkers, i don’t think they can afford to fire me. this is a shitty situation, i just wanted to let it out, and this community is really kind, so thanks for reading.