For years I’ve sacrificed my social life and my mental health pursuing this or that dream job and even though I always get super positive feedback I’ve always felt I was just staying in place and ultimately catching a lot of shit for people who make more money than me doing a job I could easily do.
A few years ago Things got worse and climaxed with a mental break where I talked a lot of trash about an old employer publicly (felt great) and I was pleasantly surprised to see I found a job that paid better almost immediately.
But now it’s like something has just cracked and I can’t give it 110% anymore. I just keep thinking “none of this matters. If I disappeared tomorrow nobody here would care and they would have me replaced by the end of the day.” I’m technically working “in the arts” but not really for any projects I respect or am proud of. So I don’t try. I snuck out of work early today. I said things had been done when they hadn’t. These are things I could not have imagined doing five years ago.
I’m glad to get home before my partner is asleep. I’m glad to have the energy to work on my art projects tonight. But I’m also sad and ashamed because it feels like this huge part of my identity and belief system is just gone and I haven’t quite cultivated something to replace it.
Anyway just venting. Hope someone can relate.