This is a long rant so read it or don't but it's an important part of my story that I feel like I never talk about.
3 years ago I had a child with my partner. When we found out about the pregnancy, we had a talk about what our next moves would be. Once we agreed that this is something we both wanted, we put together a plan that would put us in a better financial standing before the baby would be born. My partner did none of the things we discussed so when the baby came, I had just left a really stressful call center job (for my pregnancy and mental health) and he was still working a part time job that did not provide even living wage. He was also clearly not ready to be a dad which I admit at first I did not recognize. I assumed that because we had agreed to do this together that he would be ready when the baby came. He was not. He was horrible to me and as stated could not be bothered to work full time. He also didn't cook or clean or help with the baby at night like we agreed. That led to his family believing that I was the problem even though I tried. I cooked and I did my best at cleaning when I could all while job hunting even though I just had a baby. We ended up losing our apartment and had to move in with his parents. They were not great to say the least but while there he again made promises regarding his job and career that he did not keep. While I worked factory and warehouse jobs, applied for food stamps and did my best to plan for the future.
He was still a horrible partner to me at that point and would often pass out while watching our child downstairs. I awoke twice to hearing my child crying outside our bedroom door at night because she had climbed her way upstairs in the dark then started crying when she couldn't find anyone. Twice. I was livid and eventually left him for 2 months with our child. I tried to go back to school to be able to provide for my child without his help but had no help with childcare and no way to improve my circumstances. I tried but eventually I ended up not sleeping, not passing classes, and not making any difference in my life. I went back to my partner after he agreed to actually try.
Things were still hard. His parents were still an issue. He would study to pass certs and then fail and then spend months playing videogames. My mental health was quickly deteriorating being surrounded by people who treated me like a house slave and my partner's secretary. We finally were able to save up and move out but so much damage had been done to our credit and finances that we struggled to find a place to live and lived out of airbnbs for awhile. I took a good paying job as a way station and he worked hard for the first time in his life. He still sucked as a partner and would often get upset that I didn't recognize that he was finally trying. I took it and helped him get his certs, did his cover letters, and he eventually got a really awesome job in the field he wanted. Meanwhile my performance at work suffered from lack of sleep as our child is neurodivergent and just would not sleep through the night. This had been going on for years at this point.
I just completely burnt out. I couldn't take the nasty sly remarks from some of my obviously racist coworkers. I couldn't take the insane customers or the verbally abusive employer. I couldn't take not sleeping any more and just snapped. On top of that I had to deal with my verbally abusive family members who hated me for not giving them more access to our child, and trying to set boundaries. I just couldn't anymore. We were doing fine financially until our LO started treatment. We were set back yet again by copious amounts of medical bills for her treatment and my new full-time job was taking care of our LO by myself. I was also still doing all of the cooking and cleaning and still taking crap from people on a semi regular basis.
And now we find ourselves back in a dire financial situation if I don't figure out a way to go back to work. Factories are out of the question since my back injury from a few years ago has worsened from, you guessed it, all of the hard work I've been doing over the years to support us. My partner seems to think it's as simple as put yourself out there and get a job. But all of the abuse has crippled me socially and I can't function well with people anymore. It sucks because I used to be exactly the opposite. I also had dreams of doing things that I just can't muster the energy to do now. I want to be able to function like a healthy person but I can't. I've tried microdosing which has been great in terms of productivity and helping keep depression at bay, but I can't ignore the obvious physical symptoms of being overworked and overstressed (adrenal fatigue, all of my hair is falling out in plugs, lack of energy). I don't have health insurance so I've been trying lifestyle changes and that seems to be helping with all of the extra hair growth in not so feminine places I've been dealing with, and helping me finally shed some weight which I think is improving my health, but it's still so bad that I do need to go see a doctor.
I had dreams of doing really great beautiful things with my life, and I worked extremely hard to get those things. As bad as it sounds, I do feel like I was dragged down by a partner who had no idea what hard work looks like (his own words) and now he has a career and his health, and I am still slaving away trying to raise our child worried that I won't live to her grow up because of my health. Idk what to do anymore. I need to find the strength to earn an income since my partner can't do this alone, but it feels so impossible. I really don't even know if I'll ever be capable of performing at a job ever again.
I love my partner but I do deeply resent the actions he chose and the life it's led too. He has had almost an emotional transformation and has been spending the last 9 months trying to atone for the horrible way he's treated me. While I'm glad he finally understands how he should treat the people he loves, I'm not happy that he set us back financially and now needs me to bail us out because I'm in no shape to do so. I honestly wish we didn't have to work to live. Today he tried to push me to get on LinkedIn and update everything, but I just shut down and curled up on the couch and cried my eyes out at the mention of reaching out to people. I don't want to do it anymore. I hate work. I hate what it's done to me. I have worked extremely hard to earn my way in life. I went to school. I got a degree. I have been my own support system financially since I was 17 and I have nothing to show for it.
I don't talk about this because it paints my partner in such a horrible light. To this day, his parents have no idea the extent of his failure as a parent and partner. I don't tell them because they wouldn't believe it anyway. But it's my truth.
TLDR: I'm burnt out and can't work but need to work to support my family.