I've had a lot of shitty jobs in my life. I worked retail and went to college and finally managed to use my degree to land an okay paying job just a little over a month ago. I went through a hiring agency and landed a dispatch job for a small business. I have bipolar disorder and social anxiety disorder so I considered landing this job a big win. I thought I was on the right track and finally getting my life together after struggling with my mental health for so long… but instead I feel so defeated.
On my first day, I didn't receive too much training. I was given a binder to read through and told to answer phones. I was told I would be doing more marketing related things but I just answer phones for the most part. Thats what I get for going through a hiring agency and taking the first job I could get I guess. I was desperate to get out of retail and finally earn a living wage.
The first big shock came around easter. I work from sunday to thursday typically but observed easter and took the day off. As a result I was given a one day weekend because I needed a 5 day work week. Part of me is okay with that because I need the money but something about it just rubs me the wrong way. Then my hours got changed to later and I don't know how I feel about getting off work so late.
The way I'm being trained is that I make a mistake and somebody corrects me. Something about being trained this way gives me so much anxiety. I am always scared of screwing things up. The owner of the business expects machine like precision and is always watching because we use a lot of google apps. I'm so scared of messing up and receiving that angry phone call. He makes me feel so small and powerless. This whole job has made me feel so powerless and defeated. I keep wondering if this is what the rest of my life is going to be like; mediocre jobs and no sense of fulfillment. I don't even know if i'm doing a good job or not. I know life isnt about gold stars and pats on the head but it would be nice to know I'm doing alright.
Throughout my life my parents set the example that work is supposed to be this fulfilling thing that makes you feel good. They're both business owners and workaholics. They both used their work to escape their problems and I always thought that was the way it was supposed to be… But I hate this. I don't want this to be the rest of my life. What a miserable fucking existence.
I've tried talking to people around me and theynall say that this is just the way it is. Sometimes I think about how easy it would be to jerk my stearing wheel into the direction of an oncoming truck just so that I wont have to go to work. Is this really the way its supposed to feel??