To all Emergency Room staff,
Due to an ongoing infestation of cockroaches in the department, we will be fumigating the ER tonight at 6PM. We had hoped to close the ER and do this during a slow period, but due to regulatory constraints and the several dozen patients now living in the waiting room at all hours, this was not possible. Also, the exterminator charges extra for after-hours work. As such, the ER will remain open during this process.
Patient and staff safety is our number one concern so we ask that you take the following steps during this challenging time. Please ensure that staff and patients wear a surgical mask or face shield at all times. This may help reduce expose to the “highly effective” insect mitigation fumes. If anyone feels unwell, there will be 3 doses of the antidote, atropine, in pharmacy reserved for staff. These are the only doses in the hospital as a result of global supply chain issues, but rest assured we’re told more will be arriving next year. We had hoped to have another highly effective antidote, 2-PAM, available, but in light of recent economic conditions arising from the housing crash of 2008, the expense of securing this rarely used medicine would have cut into executive bonuses and thus was prohibitive. You may also try using Narcan, because it’s cheap and we have plenty of it. While it has no known antidote properties to the industrial grade fumigants that will be used, it may help people to “feel like they’re doing something” and reduce any sense of rising panic.
Finally, if you feel that you are going to lose consciousness or “go into the light,” please refrain from doing so until you have finished your charting. We rely on timely and detailed charting to continue to fund unnecessary projects, hire outside consulting firms and finance executive wellbeing retreats. Failure to complete your documentation could result in disciplinary action or reporting to the medical board.
We recognize that this is less than ideal and assure you that this wasn’t a decision we came to lightly. Cockroaches are just gross and we could not delay exterminating them because, well, ick. We appreciate your service over the past 114 years with the ongoing challenges brought by the flu pandemic of 1918. We value your input and will be available remotely tomorrow morning to hear how this process can be improved next time.
Respectfully,
Administration