I’ve spent a lot of time thinking and searching for answers; and I’ve come to this simple conclusion:
Not only is complacency my only good option, Life isn’t worth my “Best Effort”.
Nothing I do will ever make any substantial change; I can’t change Law, I can’t enforce Justice, I can’t stop inequality, I can’t stop world hunger. I can’t stop global warming, and I can’t imagine having a world for my own kids to live in. Yet I still go to work everyday, and worry and complain about my own problems to them, and they complain to me. And the cycle continues; and on my days off, instead of improving my own mental and physical health (cleaning, self care, exercise, healthy diet) I dump all my energy into distracting myself from the fact that life is horrible and nothing I can do will change that.
People die, rape, murder, abuse, manipulate, and even self harm, with almost no actual cognitive thought as to “why” they are doing what they are doing. Not only is common sense dead, humanity is dead. We have evolved in a circle.
I never even thought I would live to be 19, let alone get to the point where I have a fuck to give about this world; but regardless of how or why, I just wanted to be someone. now, I don’t even know if I wanna be remembered while I’m still alive. Because my impact will be so insurmountably small that even pretending like it matters is a fucking disgrace to anyone who has ever made any substantial social or scientific change.
I do pray that everyone else has more hope than me; as I have chosen to give up. And I’ve tried so hard to not give up that saying this doesn’t even hurt. It feels right