TLDR: I was for 7 years in a job with abusive boss couple that had a cult-like toxic positivity culture.
I quit, unemployment was fine, new job much better.
Requesting resources to understand what had happened.
——–
So as young adult I tried to become an illustrator, a dream job where only 1% are in employment and only 20% of freelancers can live from the money they earn. But I was the 1%, I found a job in a fancy city in Europe. I was 24.
The job was at a small agency, lead by a lesbian couple.
The place looked fancy. Beautiful airy wooden building, an 80€ flower budget per week, yoga lessons for workers, 3 Mercedes cars for the 2 bosses, 2 adorable pure breed dogs, expensive Mac-computers and fancy Eames chairs (they were plastic chairs that would later give me backpain and two slipped discs).
I did 6 months of internship for peanuts. 9:00 – 18:00 worktime, zero flexibility in working hours.
The money from the internship was ridiculous low, I had some hungry evenings. At work, I teached myself animation while under immense pressure of an impatient boss.
———–
The way they treated the employees was bad. Each week some employee would come out of the bosses office, crying. She was just ripping into them and her outbursts and sharp critique would create fear in the team.
The lesbian boss-couple was an abuse dream-team: One partner was acting aggressive, the other was minimising the abuse and normalise it as healthy behaviour. If I would complain, they would put it on me being too sensitive/too naive/ too something. The boss couple would each confirm their delusions and thought of themselves as benevolent, open and compassionate.
Examples of bad boss behaviour:
1. Got slapped on the ass by boss, several times. Other female employees too. She stopped after 3 years.
-
One time I had a panic attack from the stress and was crying. Boss came in the room and asked me if I can present the project to the client. I said I was not okay. She ordered me to go out there anyways and do the presentation, I had no choice.
-
One time boss wasn't satisfied with an intern, and asked the intern if her work so bad because her father had sexually abused her. Intern quit the next day. Boss was baffled and in the next meeting they painted the intern as crazy.
-
The two bosses ripped straight into a 16 y/o intern, the daughter of an employee (who was also being screamed at). It was bad cop/bad cop, telling the young girl that she will never find a job/how ungrateful she is/how useless she was. The teen girl just froze. I called the bosses name to stop that but boss just said “I got this, she needs to hear this”. Found the girl crying on the stairs outside later.
-
The aggressive behavior from boss got better after five years, with maybe 2-3 incidents per year. But even later I would get occasional outbursts and screaming from her. With her partner swooping in and normalising that it was my own fault because I had used the color peach/orange in a drawing, a color the boss didn't like.
-
They cheated workers from their free days. They ordered workers in on their off-days, and with a promise that they can take their off-day another time instead. Then they would deny that this had happened and argued that 8 hours/week of overtime can be reasonably demanded. (It was in the contract, the contract was legal, we checked.)
-
Boss got drunk and trash-talked about employees with the project manager. Jesus Christ. I confronted them, Boss got aggressive that it's her workplace and she can say whatever she wants.
-
Lot's of subtle manipulative behaviors like triangulation (“others are talking about you…”), fear tactics and… thinking they can read my mind? Which brings me to…
———–
The self-help bullshit and the pyramid schemes
Bosses were into magical thinking and self-help coaches with esoteric flavors. They went to a Tony Robbins weekend. They constantly fell for MLM schemes and there were these boxes of vitamins everywhere. They thought themselves as “elite” because they had a raw vegan diet for a while.
They went on stupid crash diets “that would program the body to stay thin forever”. Boss 1 confessed she could see angels (jep.).
It wasn't just esoteric bs, it was entitled bs with an air of superiority.
They swallowed all of this bullshit and boss started a self-help podcast a while ago.
————–
Then there was the manipulation
When I complained, I was told that other places were way worse.
“Oh CoolCucumber, you can always quit and live in a trailer”. I heard horror stories from other agencies where workers stayed until 11 p.m. each day.
The insidious thing was that the company built this image of being kind and compassionate. The place looked fancy, and most of the time everything was indeed okay. But it was inconsistent. You never knew when they would do something ashhole-ish again.
The bad behavior was also mostly against younger workers, and less against older. The older ones were treated better. I adressed the things with others but wasn't believed.
————
Copying with the stress
I didn't know what was going on, but I was constantly stressed. This was my first job, I thought I was too sensitive, crazy,
I tried to cope with the stress from work with yoga, meditation, self-help and also developed an addiction to sleeping pills. Unconsciously. My mood was unravelling, I was feeling awful.
I swallowed so much business mindfulness bullshit that I now try to get rid off.
————-
Outside help
I was there for 7 years.
My friends & roommates also had shitty jobs in the creative industry and didn't know better.
My parents were immigrants, and never had a chance at better jobs themselves.
Then a friend noticed signs of depression in me and warned me. I quit a week later.
Was unemployed, learned coding, got employed and now work in a very good, low bullshit company. The difference is extreme. Flex hours, responsibility, and just normal treatment, well-adjusted, intelligent people. I am stable, healthy and good.
Last week a crucial worker fell ill and I was nervous that the work couldn't be finished. Boss from the new workplace calmed me down: “The work is just work. Humans are more important. I hope the ill person is okay.”
Thank you for reading! Any opinions welcome, also any resources to read/listen/watch welcome.
I'm using a therapist to reflect on this time of my life.