I quit my old job a year and a half ago, and since then it has been nothing short of mental hell. I have anxiety when I have days off,because I am just waiting for someone to call my phone and yell at me for something. As I worked alongside the direct and CEO of a small company. So anything that went wrong(no matter if I caused it or not) was my fault. Constantly on eggshells, whenever I would talk to them about remotely anything.
They would constantly bring up the fact that I am a woman in a male dominated field. Which I was well aware, but I wasn’t aware that being followed home from work, called outside of my name, and blame for literally everything, was part of the job description. I missed holidays, birthdays, and even the birth of my niece and nephew. When my nonna (grandmother) passed away they didn’t count it as a person I was close enough to, and had to beg to have the day off for her funeral. Which was unpaid until I fought with them on it. The day of my dad’s anniversary of him passing, I requested the day off, the director called and screamed at me because I wasn’t there and I could lose my job. Even though he told me weeks prior that I could have it off. The boss’s son would harass me daily, to the point my hygiene went to crap because I did not want to come off like I was looking to be harassed as they would say. He would constantly tell me to leave my fiancé for him as his dad owned part of the business, and I felt disgusting every single day.
The last straw was when during the holidays of 2021, I contracted C19 because they allowed people in the building with no mask, and would mock about how the virus is. After I was diagnosed and was urged to rest and quarantine, I called my boss and apologized for getting ill, because he was upset with me that I got ill in the first place. And that it could have been completely prevented. So day after day that I was trying to rest, I would receive phone calls about how crappy of a worker I was, how I did nothing right. So I shut off my phone at that point.
Until I thankfully recovered and returned to work. That same day that I returned to work, I ended up being rushed to the hospital with a heart rate of 160 and had my first ever panic attack. After I returned and busted my butt to show I am a great worker; I was then declined a raise since my performance fell during the time I was ill. So I quit a few months shortly after finding a new job.
Since then, I have not felt right since. Mentally, I am still scared, physically I am not okay, and I have spoken to therapist, I have went to several doctors, psychiatrist, and still feel like everything is my fault. That I am not a good person, and that life is how it is now, because I caused all of it. Even though I graduated with my bachelors degree as valedictorian and just recently received my masters.
If you have read this far, I thank you dearly, from the bottom of my heart.