I don't know if anyone will read this, or relate, but I needed to “journal” and clear the air with myself. I'm also not sure if this is the proper outlet, but it felt like the right place given the circumstances.
Today is the start of a new year. I've been trying to work on myself for the past few months, recognizing I have a drinking problem. I'm making some good progress, but there's still lots work to do. I want 2023 to be a much better year personally and professionally.
I'll preface this by saying, I can only blame my drinking on myself. No one forced me to drink. No one forced me to spend all the money and time I did running away from myself and loved ones. The drinking is mine, and mine alone to own and move past.
What I can say however, and have never fully articulated, is this. My role in 2021 purposely pitted me against former colleagues without proper support, which lead to elevated stress for a prolonged period of time, which I coped with by drinking. Lots of drinking.
I believe the root of it is that I'm suffering from PTSD stemming from one particular nasty meeting I had with my former manager. In my new role, I was asked to explore something which threatened his, and my former area's long-term “survival”. I brought my work so far to them , expecting support and collaboration, but instead was met with bullying and threats. A frightening side of a person I respected and I believed to be a friend came out. There was brow beating, insults to the quality and value of work, and even threats to my future at the company. I was made to feel small, incompetent, and like I had been doing something wrong.
This was fairly early in 2021 and the stress lingered most of the rest of the year, as did the tensions. I had never felt more alone, unsure, and frightened to lose my livlihood and ability to support my family. Constant worry about being fired, not getting a raise, others working against me or disliking me…I couldn't shut it off.
Recently I had an honest look at myself and recognized the thoughts and feelings I was running from.
That stress and it's consequences weren't worth it. If you ever find yourself in a situation like mine, get out as fast as you can.