I've been trying to use mental gymnastics but it's just not working. I don't want a job. I never have and I've never had one. I've tried to look for work anyway, but every time I try, panic attack. I try again, massive depressive episode. I can't force myself to do it. How the fuck do people do this? I tried going for disability since I'm eligible… but they have compulsory volunteering in my country. Immideatly, I felt the weight of the world on me and I couldn't breathe. And they have fortnightly reporting (even for 0$) I'm kind of stressed out since I don't think I can meet the requirements for that. In school I just absolutely dissociated whenever assignments were due and got 0% every semester until they kicked me out. So I would lose the disability payments if I tried anyway. The stress of assignments in school was just too much and it's been the same for other deadlines in my life. And I've even tried to do commissions in the past but the expectations and stress are way too high and my hand is shaking way too much to draw. It's like my hand feels numb and too weak from panic and I can't think straight. So I tried but a few times now I just couldn't make 1 line on the paper and just gave people their money back. Not to mention the countless other promises I've broken because the stress of keeping them is just too high. I just can't do it even if I want to, my body is just freaking out and not cooperating with my wishes.
I want to do these things, I know it's smart to find work, but I can't just brute force myself past my body panicking over the demand that I get it done. I'm really trying to think about jobs that I could do, or ways to make money that could help me, but once again I'm panicking again. Even just thinking about it and planning is just too stressful. I don't know how I'm meant to do this? The stress of disability is way too high for me to actually get it. Why does everything run on deadlines??? Isn't there a way to just make money with no strings attached or things I have to do? Because this is literally impossible right now and I have no idea how I'm even supposed to navigate this. BTW I know this response is not a typical psychological response. It's something genetic I have that I was born with. Therapy won't fix it, it's how my brain was formed. And naturally I'd love to ask for help but people trying to control and make decisions for me makes the stress 100x worse and things like routines and habits will make it 400x worse. By worse I mean I will just stop moving entirely for a few months because moving is too stressful. My motivation system in my brain is just not wired to work like that. I need lack of expectations and zero oversight. Wish work didn't exist because I don't think I can fundamentally process the concept.