I seen a meme today 'for my next job I'm going to pretend I have a child so I can milk all the time off that other people get' and it reminded me of a surreal situation in an old job that escalated so quickly and the epic justice that was subsequently dished out.
Long story short is that nobody bats an eyelid when smokers get their fix but if I take an unplanned break and I'm in the toilet for more than 5 minutes I will literally get phone calls.
One day I see a conga line of smokers going out and decide I want to stretch my legs, socialize and get some fresh air. Do I smoke? Fuck no. Naturally the place is getting busier. This smug individual that works in upper management overhears my colleagues joking with me saying 'haha this guy doesn't even smoke, big IQ play' and decides to loudly inform me that I won't be going out for a smoke break.
Her: Really? Nice try but I don't think so
Me: What do you mean?
Her: Well you don't smoke and the place is super busy so you're going to have to stay
Me: Politely declined smiles**
Her: You're joking surely? You're not? (laughs at me) you really want to go down this road do you?
Me: Wait are you actually being serious here, what road is that now?
Her: Well refusing to work while you're here rostered in and on the clock is a documented discussion (gives me that DUHHHHH face when she's talking)
Me: Oh so I'm being treated completely differently just because I don't have an addiction to smoking? but my colleagues that smoke and are also still being paid on the clock are allowed to indulge in their habit and socialise while I pull their weight? You send the email to HR, we'll get your take on the situation in writing and yeah…. I'm already down the end of that road waiting for you.
Her: avoids eye contact and literally does a walk of shame in the other direction**
My smoker colleagues compliment me for standing my ground and encourage me to report her but I refused because I didn't want to be that guy ruining the fun for everyone being a smoker and emails being sent around etc. If you get me?
Fast forward 2 months later I catch her in an elevator, just the two of us and I say good morning to her in a friendly way and she just absolutely and blatantly ignores me. The type of ignorance where it took more effort to deliberately ignore me as opposed to swallowing your ego and just saying hello or even a nod. I try to let it slide and remind myself that I'm not here to make friends but the intrusive spiteful thoughts win and I report her to HR about the smoking incident.
They enquire about getting witness statements and to my surprise – I actually have a few smokers that say they will happily back up exactly what happened, what was said and the double standards. I get her a documented discussion and apparently she had to be educated on employee rights, the risk to the company suffering ramifications etc. I didn't even need a witness statement in the end and I wasn't called in. She must have accepted the written warning and got it over and done with to save her further embarrassment of me and my witness' being present. As expected, statements/emails went around about people only being allowed to smoke during the lunch break and designated unpaid breaks, no exception.
You think the story ends there? Nah fast forward to the Christmas work party where I meet her at the bar and we're all a bit drunk.
Her: Well all that drama was completely avoidable now wasn't it?
Me: I agree you never should have threatened me with disciplinary action and fail to objectively treat me equally as an employee just because I'm not addicted to nicotine but you're a human and I forgive you. Enjoy the party! 😀 😀 😀
If looks could kill Reddit, if looks could kill.
TLDR:
I'm “that guy” who reminds the teacher that they didn't check the homework and I ruined the party for all the smokers.