I was 15 years old, and it was a dreadful night. I was hiding in the public park with my mother, terribly scared and hiding from my father who was searching for me and my mother in anger.
it was 1 am in the night. I saw my father driving around the park.
We hid there for 2 hours, and came back home, hoping that his anger must have subsided by now.
I don't have memories about what happened the next morning. But yes, that was almost what my childhood was like.
Ours was a nuclear family and we had little access to any other relatives/grandparents/friends. But my only parents. And incident above should give you a good idea about what it was like.
Sure there were some good and great moments. But in life, one big strife is good to overpower 100 other little good things.
And when i had parents like these, i started questioning my whole existence.
I would see my friends living a normal life, going out, and getting into relationships. While i struggled with daily apocalypse and war zone level of stress each day at home.
At 13 years I was taken to psychiatrist visits to act like a “Guardian” and mediate and be the judge.
The psychiatrist would ask me :- “Who do you think is at fault?”
I was 13 year old. DAMN IT . I did nt know nothing about life. And i was asked a question that was way to complex for a 13 year old.
The abuse and fights did nt stop amongst each other, they also tried to control me and of course, whenever they saw anything unpleasant or non-compliance,
I faced their wrath. Both mental and physical Something that words cannot explain.
I remember days when my father beat me with belt, and kicks. I cannot forget and remember how my mother was kicking me like as if I was a football when i was probably 6 years old because i came back late after going to play.
The social embarrassment, the agony, and the pain were unbearable. The feeling that my own father is out here and causing me danger and my mother telling me how bad i was, was something i started shaping my own inner identity and thought process.
“I am useless, i won't be able to do anything in my life.”
If you had seen me in those days, you would not have even realized that all this is going on in my life. I was a fairly good student, i did music, and dance, i used to do all errands at home. I was considered “talented” by many
I was talented enough to hide the struggle i was going through.
I loved my parents.
Yes, They were my life, both of them. I loved them dearly.
For a child parents are parents, a part of his existence. Even if it is poison, he will drink it smiling.
I was the same.
Anyways, life went on like this, i had health issues severe digestion and whatnot. That impacted my physical growth.
I became a people pleaser and I also developed a strong feeling that “i don't deserve anything good and I should serve others as I am a burden and of no use”
One good thing that happened during all this happening was I started a habit of reading.
Books were a respite from the world. I read whatever shit I could. I also fell in love with films. Because they again, transported me to a different world. Where I was
I was not a very social person. I don't even want to talk about the psychological damage all this violence and war-zone-like life was causing me in my life. The behavior of my parents not just amongst them but with me.
How it was impacting, my self-confidence, and my sense of self-worth. I was ADHD so not “normal” like every other child. And i was reminded each day, how i was shame and hopeless for the future for the family.
I increasingly becoming dependent on others for my emotional needs, whether if it was friends or relationships. I was insecure about things. I did things to please others, i would be available for them so much that they start taking me for granted. I would run errands for my friends, their families. Did professional work free for them.
I think trauma is the inciting incident where you start questioning. Especially when you are unable to fight back.
I was looking for answers. I did nt really find any answers. Sometimes i would think this is my fault. sometimes i would think, its ok, it's part of life.
I would get addicted to things. Like movies and books.
And i was also growing, reading, a lot. I did nt had the answers i was looking for. But i was constantly searching for them.
I lived in too many restrictions and was “grounded” every time. I hated living without freedom, where my parents wanted to control each and every aspect of my life. How they were judging me, comparing me with others. How they were trying to straighten me up with “drastic measures”.
But they did nt realize that they were trying to make a fish fly.
I just was nt the ” normal ” guy they were trying to make me.
I am sure most people can understand what i mean.
I saw how my friends in school are reaching to places, moving out, getting all support they wanted
while i did nt have any of that, I tried to steal away my moments of joy. I found them in the internet, chatting, playing video games, watching porn, movies, and reading books.
I loved films and writing poems. Making music. I loved music that talked about life, that talked about “going away” from everythin ,
Strangers were better than my own people in my deep thought.
I was also becoming increasingly lonely.
Relationships did nt work much, because I had my own behavioral issues, I would offend people close to me. I would say nasty things and when i would spoil everything i would jump into an ocean of guilt and swim into the deep sees of lamenting about how bad i am.
So only non-human things in the world would tolerate me and i would bear them.
I got addicted to internet. I would spend time chatting in chat rooms. But i also spent time in learning about making websites, this was in 2003-04 when i was finishing schooling. I also learnt how to make websites. I got my first job, i worked hard in that job. But it did nt pay me well.
I changed multiple jobs then. But anything that would restrict me would make me feel suffocated and trapped.
I can NOW understand that my brain reminded me of my childhood days, where i was controlled.
Anytime my boss would come and shout at me, I started getting palpitations and strong sense of fight or flight.
This stress was not something i wanted to bother with. I had simple life and did nt need much to survive. I wanted mental peace, relaxation more than luxuries as i wanted to heal.
I had good skills and knowledge about internet. I knew internet will be the next big thing. And i thought i should build something in that would give me money. So i can just find someplace to relax in order to HEAL my digestive issues which i thought originated from STRESS in the first place.
I was exhausted from life, i had my health issues going up.
I lost my father and this was the time i thought all these jobs where one spends their life doing things they hate, selling things with little to no inherent value was pointless
And then i quit my job. this was in 2008
I thought i will make enough , like almost $10 a day through my websites and build from there. I wanted to make music, films, songs.Not because i wanted to be a celebrity or for fame but because that was my calling, my message to the world.
Little did i know that i won't get any support from my mother. In fact, she did everything to force me to get back to a normal “job”.
Now that i was grown up, of course, she could nt BEAT me into doing it. But she left me on my condition without supporting me in any financial way.
I always used to sympathize with her, she had her fair share of struggles while growing up. She was married when she was merely 21 and my father was very abusive with her.
I used to support her all throughout my life. Assist her professionally run all errands. Make websites for her business and professional acquaintances. Spend time taking her to meetings just like a personal driver.
I not only contributed my time, and never asked for any “share” ever from her.
I thought my mother would support me and i trusted her. I never thought that one must question their own mothers.
I never thought that she would leave me like a bystander when i would need some support probably not even a stranger would do.
This was in 2009
My mother and brother, started living in one of the metro cities and i stayed back in smalltown house because i did nt want to face constant abuse, naysaying from my mother.
My depression and health issues were rising day by day, and my mother would nt even send me enough so I could eat. I started buying groceries through my credit cards and pay the minimal to sustain.
The websites that i wanted to make i could not really work properly as i was not very productive. I would hire people but could nt sustain work and had to quit.
IBS caused me brain fog, and fatigue.
I started doing off part-time jobs. As full-time jobs were too much entrapping and emotional investment. Besides, my health was nt allowing me to get up at 7 am in the morning and work 12 hours a day as a typical workplace in my country.
But the pay was not enough to allow me to grow. There is a lot of exploitation in “open work” and i used to get peanuts for the work done. Besides, i had a house in a small town and smalltown are notoriously bad for job opportunities and worth you get for services.
I tried to convince my mother to at least get a house in bigger city , but that was a no go from her.
I still continued my struggle and kept working on the sites when one of the sites got successful and I started making some money passively.
I still remember the day, when i saw moolah rolling in. This was in 2012Now it was time to pay all the credit card debt I had accumulated over the past and i did that.
I also got into a relationship and I spent money in traveling and other usual things a guy would do.
I also kept learning, making films etc. I started getting odd jobs for editing and other stuff. Because it was asmall townn, gigs were slow and hard to come by, but i was managing.
The websites slowly went down and the online money stopped coming in.
I thought i will make more websites, but i needed some money to sustain as the money i made back from sites went to pay back the CREDIT CARD interest and loans.
At this time, my mother agreed to “help” me and said that she would give me 4% worth of our house value if i relinquish my ownership in her name.
I said yes, I know leaving my rights on the house where i was 50% owner for just 4% was a bad deal but for me, this was oxygen so i had to say yes.
One more reason of not overthinking was i still did nt thought that i have to doubt my mother and think of her as separate entity.
She gave me that 4% and made me promise that she won't give anything after this.
i wanted this support badly so i could just build some websites and get things moving. And i knew if i ask for more, my mother would not only say no, but also abuse me .
I did nt want any of that. so i accepted the offer.
All this time, i also started getting a big put-off from meaningless jobs and things. I felt doing things that feed the soul. to tell stories, to help, to get help. to talk about life.
This money gave me a sustainace for 3 years. One big part went in paying my debt, but rest i used to “relax” and not worry and work slowly on my projects.
I was still in terms with my mother who lived in bigger city, supporting my younger brother who was “normal” with better, brighter future.
And here I was alone, struggling to get things moving. so that 4% was a good help back then.
My mother had a habit of staying in crisis. I thought she needs help. I would clean/rent the house and all rent would go to her. I literally had to paint the whole big house myself so house would get better rent.
I thought she did nt had money. So i thought that's why she is so worried.
But one day she called me told me that my younger brother is asking for 3.5 million so he go and study abroad. And weather if she should give it to him. I was surprised , not just the fact that she was willing to give him 3.5 million but also the fact that she had 3.5 million.
All these years, i was struggling to eat and survive. I was living off credit card. I was painting the house to save 5000 ! I gave my rights to the property for 400k. And i never ever got support of even 100k for my work. from her and she is here ready to give my younger brother. Who never supported her, never did anything for home 3.5 million? Anyway, i somehow thought that my brother should not miss the opportunity he has and supported her in the decision. But i was also a little miffed with the fact that she was unfair to me.
I then asked her to arrange 1 million so i also can get things going and set up something. And she started abusing me. She also started calling my younger brother and he started calling me a “you only talk and cannot do anything”.
Was i only a talker? i can't do anything? here i spent my childhood supporting my parents, doing errands, financially, and emotionally. Maintaining the house, getting rent. And i was only a talker?
I could nt do the projects that i planned because i literally had no support. I felt this was an outrageous thing to say to someone. in fact, it was outrageous and wrong to say to anyone.
But my mother “agreed” with my “bright” “successful” brother.
This was the time i lost all trust and hope from them. I realised i was alone and i said i am going to leave this house, and not going to come back. Until either you shift this house to a bigger city or give me support money enough so i can shift to another city and get proper opportunity to work.
My mother also had to shift back to our smalltown house as my brother was going out, And she was giving all her savings to him. So to save the costs she came back.
And once she came, i saw how she again started to “abuse and force” me to do things, errands and all. ANd that was the time i drew a line first time in my life.
that no, i am NOT going to dedicate my life for someone else. Especially for someone who blame and ridicules me that i am a “slacker”. I was angry, i thought she will realise and accept and i thought i should make a move.
This was the time when i was invited to one NGO school in my smalltown city to make a documentary. I went there and made a nice film, i got an offer from them that I could stay at thir premises.
Teach children something.
this was in 2017
The best part about this offer was , i was nt tied into a traditional employment set up. Meaning i could do things the way i want whenever i want. I got free food/accommodation.
So i decided to move to that school.
Once i reached the school the intial days were great. Because i had come there through the largest donors i got some good respect.
The living conditions were basic and simple, but it was the PEACE , rest and respect that i always YEARNED for more than anything. So i gladly accepted and continued living there.
This school was for children from poor families. I always had interest in education, learning .So i enjoyed my time being there. Interacting with kids. There were big farms and i always liked out in the country.
I thought i should continue living there and work along side my own projects. And may be my mother would agree to my conditions and give me my fair share so i could start something. But…. that wait went on for forever.
During my timein that school how it was a typical school. It was a boarding school where children lived and also had to 'work' as part of learning.
I saw teachers abusing them, belitteling them. This was something unacceptable for me. I saw rampant classism where children were told , ridiculed similar things i had heard during my childhood.
I became a warrior for their rights. I made complaints about teachers who abused. And this obviously led to their resistance and politics against me
I ensured that this becomes a policy that is no phsyical punishment. That again, was nt liked.
I also started questioning why do children have to do so much work and that also, again got me unlikeed my conservative mindset people who were managing the institution.
I was a useful , so they did nt really asked me to leave. Besides, i was in contact with largest donor, who thought i was a good value addition to the school. So the poltics against me happened behind my back.
I stayed there for 4 years. Much changed there because of me. I disrupted the system , in the sense i started highlighting slacking by the employees, where the trend was only to blame the children.
this eventually led to a situation where i was shouted upon. The the person managing the place started getting angry from me.
She was a decent person but caught up in her whims and misreports/misinformations she would get through her media sources.
Now i was at this place in worse health condition. A lot of stress. The good part was that i was getting some salary, but nothing worthwhile to move out. And start something of my own.
Besides, i thought i will stay and help the children.
I lost a lot of weight, developed food insensitivities. I messaged my mother for help and i got back more ridicule and abuses.
I had no idea what to do so i continued staying there. Without realising how much it is damaging me.
That place also taught me, how some people who depend on “capital owners” with property/place are subjugated, abused, exploited.
the poor employees in that organization were expected to do EVERYTHINg and the rich/well to do families employees just came and cheated the system.
The children recieved, all the negativity, ridicule. And things that NO CHILD should ever had to listen.
I tried to fix that whole thing, i tried to make better systems. Better teams, better organization with whatever
I would succeed to some extent but eventually i could nt win the cheaters who were playing politics, behind the scenes.
I was naive to think that good and hard work will pay off.
I learnt that it is the whims of the powerful that is ultimate truth at the end of the day.
Eventually, a time came when my complaints and reveleations led to fiiring one of the favorite employee of the main manager and she started getting VERY hostile with me.
Shouting at me and what not.
By this time, i had saved some money and i realised that i cannot sustain my health like this any longer.
So i decided i should leave. this was in 2021.
Since, then i have been living almost in a suitcase. Minimizing my expenses.
I don't want to do a typical day job. I am in worse health condition than i was 4 years ago.
My savings were good enough to go for one year. And now i am on the edge and do not have more than 1 month's worth of sustainence left in my account.
My website projects are hanging in air. and i don't know how will i even pay to sustain them.
I called and pleaded to my mother to sned me at least enough to pay the rent. and she started abusing me. SAying all sorts of ridiculing things.
She said i can come and stay at home and she will construct a small metal room on the floor for me.
And then i decided no matter what happens I won't go back to what broke me in first place. I am going to be ridiculed, abused, taken advantage and granted for.
Why am i writing all this here?
I think it is innate human need to be heard, to get justice.I don't think there's justice in this world. I also now FIRMLY believe that there is no God.
I now know for a fact that the whole thing about KARMIC account is bull shit.
Most people do not CARE about the abuse and injustice happening in the world.
I sometimes used to get angry and feel vengeness. But now i realise that these abusers are just people who are entrapped in their automatic human tendencies.
My mother expects me to get a “normal” job. She thinks she is doing the right thing.
That lady at that NGO school thinks she is doing the right thing by “abusing” the kids.
People do wrongs, NEVER by thinking that they are doing wrongs, but they think it is ESSENTIAL WRONG for a GREATER GOOD.
Earlier i used to feel agitated about all this, but now i try to observe this as a learner.
Meanwhile, while i write all this here. I don't know how am i going to meet my expenses for next month. Probably have to take a loan.
Why does life have to be so HARD even for BASIC needs?
Why is basic DIGNITY and RESPECT so difficult for people who DONT HAVE capital and support systems?
I think i know the answers, why. But this WHY is more of a shaking thought, on WHY can't we make a world that is better, justice.
Why can't someone get basic NEEDS met?
Why are invisible scars not getting any bandages? Or any consideration?