This is long and there's a lot more to unpack so please bear with me…
I work in a Fuel Center Booth outside a grocery store with 5 other people. 4 of us being the main workers. Our manager being our Brains and the other worker being our Funny Bone while the guy who had been there the longest that trained us was our Heart.
May 5th, I got asked to come into work for Heart's shift. I assumed Heart was covering for Brain since Brain's Grandpa is on his deathbed. When I got to work and saw Brain's car there I assumed Heart had called out again making a joke to my ride (cousin) saying, “Ooh he must've called out again! I'm going to beat his ass next time I see him.” To find out later I would never see him again.
I get in and ask Brain how he's doing, wondering why he's in, he tells me work told him he had to come in and was understandably upset. We have a 2 hr overlap in shifts and I suggest he ask to go home since I'm there now and there was no reason he needed to stay. He could go be with his Grandpa. He said he would and goes inside, does some last minute stuff to get done then goes back inside one more time to turn in a paper.
While he's gone Funny Bone shows up for fuel. We crack jokes, he does his thing and leaves. Not long after Brain comes back. I don't hear the first thing he says but “I'm not supposed to know or tell” sounds like what I hear so I turn and look at him to see he's grim. “But you deserve to know. You have the right to know.” I'm lost and confused then he says, “Heart passed away last night.” And suddenly I feel like I've been punched in the face and chest.
I know it's true. Not only is Brain not the type to make jokes like that, I had been worried about Heart for weeks. I don't even need to be told how because I know already. It's disorienting and suffocating to know the guy who made work so much fun and enjoyable for us will never walk through that door.
Anger starts to bubble as I realize we weren't told and from the sounds of it not going to be told til later. I tell Brain I'm calling Funny Bone because he deserves to know and it's better he finds out on his day off than tomorrow at work. He takes over while I make one of the hardest calls of my life. I make sure Funny Bone is in a safe spot before breaking the news and he immediately turns around and comes back.
All 3 of us stand in the booth full of mixed emotions but the emotions we all agree on feeling is disrespected and insulted by the company. To withhold that information from the people who work closely with him on a daily basis and trying to keep it from us was fucked up. To be more concerned about covering the shifts instead of your workers emotional and mental well-being is fucked up!
“Our Goal is to Feed the Human Spirit” What about your workers spirits? Are we not Human?!
If it wasn't for Brain and Funny Bone I would've raged quit for how angry and bitter I was. If it wasn't for Heart, I wouldn't have still been working there! Funny Bone asked for us not to do anything drastic. Considering how much we just lost, how much we're all hurting, for him and Brain I'm trying.
After they left. I broke down. I kept it mostly together while they were there. Brain was still in shock and Funny Bone was a mix of shock and regret/guilt. I got myself together then I got a call from inside asking if I could work the shift for tomorrow 12-8. 12-4 was Heart's shift. 4-8 was mine. More hurt and anger welled up and I said no. I had been helping cover shifts EVERYDAY except the one day I don't work, that week. Not only that, they didn't know I knew and this further confirmed to me that they weren't going to say anything til the shifts were covered! “Ok. But you will do your 4-8?” I told them yes and they left it at that, hanging up.
I stewed in anger and another call came in. This time my cousin that works there. Asked if I could come in an hr early at least and I got choked up from the audacity of the company to use her to try and persuade me. She asks if I'm ok and what's wrong. “I know why you guys are getting that shift covered.” She was surprised and asked how I knew. I told her Brain told me because I had the right to know and I told Funny Bone because he had the right to know. We're a tight crew and Heart was our friend. She wondered how Brain knew and mentioned not many know. They're working on telling everyone. Something about the Store Manager sending out a text? Which if so 1. I never received it 2. That's a fucked up way to tell people who worked with and cared deeply for him. Especially when Heart's been working there since he was 16 and this was his first and only job.
I don't speak because I'm too angry and shocked by how even more horrible they're handling it. I get told if I can come in an hour early, great if not it's understandable. She comes out a little later to comfort me. I get told I can close the center at 8 when my shift ends or work longer if I choose to. I say no I'm closing at 8. She goes back in and I'm left alone to continue my job while mourning the loss of Heart.
We're supposed to get breaks every 2 hrs so I asked for one at about 2:15. No one showed up. I called my cousin who gives me rides to work and asked her to come by. I was struggling and if no one was going to come out and give me a break I'd rely on outside help to cope. She can hear the mess I am and immediately agrees to come by. I break down telling her what happened to Heart and she consoles me. In between customers I breakdown and vent to her about everything til a storm rolls in and my distraught is manageable. She assures me if I need anything to let her know and she loves me before leaving.
I do eventually get a break after 4. I go to the bathroom, do my business while bursting into tears some more. Afterwards I go to try to find something to drink. My anxiety is high, I can't apparently think or see straight because I'm not finding where the bottle of juices I've got so many times are. I feel scattered and probably look like it too walking between the same cooler doors around customers. I know it's right here but I can't find them and the frustration of knowing exactly where something should be and not seeing it is spiking what's been swirling inside. I want to cry some more. I hear someone ask how I'm holding up to look back and see HR. All I can do is nod several times with a strained smile then turn away before I shatter some more. After a few seconds I finally find what I'm looking for and scurry away to check out and make it back to the booth before I crack.
I finished out the longest and tortuous shift of my life. All I was surrounded by was reminders and memories of Heart. The entire time conversations and interactions replayed over and over again no matter where I looked or what I heard. I kept saying, “You're an asshole,” when the hurt would build up again as if he could hear me and chuckle while more waves of tears would hit. I couldn't face the back of the booth because that's where he'd usually sit when I was at the register. Everytime I stared out the window and saw the same vehicle as his drive passed I would shatter again. The top of the trash can was covered with tissues. There were points I didn't try to hide my pain from customers. They didn't care or ask and that was fine with me because if they did I would break again and probably follow through with rage quitting.
Closing comes and I have to take the trash inside the store to the compactor. When I go to ask for the keys I notice the boxes of pizza. Immediately more bitterness and resentment seeps in. The audacity is fucking amazing. I get handed keys by a coworker and possibly sensing my mood they quietly say, “there's pizza.” I respond with thank you then quickly walk away and scoff to myself bitterly. Muttering under my breath, “yeah because Pizza is going to make everything better. Pizza is going to bring him back.” I don't know if someone bought it or the company did to make people feel better but regardless all I can think is how ridiculous jobs use Pizza Parties to solve everything including the death of someone. On top of that, if pizza was bought for that reason why did no one bother to call out to the booth and let me know?
It solidified Heart's words of the Fuel Center being the area of abandoned/forgotten children and no man's land.
Walking out at the end of my shift to my ride more tears hit. Heart deserved more than this. He deserved better than this. WE deserved better than this.