Right from the start, I want to argue that I'm not in the worst situation I could be. I'm working in an office, even though my department has a lot of problems, I'm not working for f***ing Primark or Amazon.
In the meantime, I am also disabled due to my bipolar disorder, a condition that among other things makes it extremely difficult to focus, to motivate myself, and the medication (antipsychotics, no less) makes me exhausted, physically weak and lately it has been messing with my bowels in a worrying manner.
I should be resting, but I have no other choice than working this job. I don't know how to best describe it, it's mostly related to crisis planning and risk management. This position is regarded as rather prestigeous and important for the people around me. My wage is however barely above the legal minimum, but that's another story.
I should be resting, but I'm forced to experience the stress of this malfunctioning environment, the boredom of days of faking work, the two hours of commuting by train each day, the lack of a personal life. I miss my home. I miss having fun.
This is partly my disorder manifesting itself, but I know there is a true feeling of disgust about my job, something that I can't dismiss as “just another episode“. The feeling has been sticking with me for months.
And I can't quit, otherwise I can't benefit from unemployment. I think I might be forced to ask my doctor for a time off prescription very soon.
But I don't want to fail again, I want to be independent and work towards my dream of moving to a place that is dear to me. I want to support my little family (my best friend and my dogs). I just can't but everything around me screams that I should keep this job and act as if my disability didn't exist. As if this disorder didn't put me on the edge several times a year.
Having a disorder is exhausting, working with it is dangerous. I'm not suicidal, but I'm far from being in a good state of mind right now. I wrote this while at work, I needed to vent. That's a little window on what it's like to live with a mental disability and having to work… and mind you, I'm not even in America, I'm in neoliberal France.