Hello. I am a senior-year undergraduate student majoring in neurobiology & physiology (it's just 1 major but sounded like it's 2) and I'm graduating this December. I'm an international student with an F-1 visa, studying at a university in California.
I am 26 years old. I am older than the average college student because I repeated a year in kindergarten (because my mother wanted me to advance academically along with my autistic twin brother who failed in class). I also repeated a year in middle school because I didn't know English when I went to India to study. I also took half a year of a break after high school (due to the lack of purpose, depression, and social anxiety) before going to college, and I lost a year in college because I decided to change my major from art to science.
I'm depressed, aimless, and have social anxiety. I am a 26 years old woman who is still financially dependent on my mother to pay $16,000 every quarter of my tuition, plus living expenses. I feel ashamed of myself. I am privileged to have a mother who supports me financially, which I'm super grateful for, but who also gave me a lot of verbal and physical trauma since I was young. I feel controlled by her for every decision I made in life, but I also know I owe a lot to her. Even though I know I can break out of this, I don't have the courage to. My social anxiety and depression are also holding me back. I don't even know who I am.
I had asked my mom for therapy because it still costs some money even after insurance, and she thinks that I'm being weak and that I should be grateful that I'm living a privileged life. She said her childhood was so much worse, and yet she has the resilience to pull through and become successful. So in the end I didn't go to therapy.
I want to change and I want to become financially independent. Being an F-1 student in the U.S. means I am more restricted in the choice of off-campus jobs, and the on-campus job is competitive, especially when there are other students with experience that fits the job. I don't have any working experience. Also, my GPA is not good (GPA of 2.9 out of 4). I am applying for jobs, but so far I have not gotten any.
All I had under my belt is some volunteering experiences in orphanages and old-age homes back in high school (for a period of 6 years). The high school was a strict boarding school that did not allow students to work on and off campus, but will take students to do some volunteering in orphanages and old-age homes. I also had some experience working for my family business, which I forgot most of it. When I first came to the U.S., I wanted to take on a food server job, or a librarian job, both of which are on-campus jobs with lesser experience requirements, but when I told my mom about this, she said I'm wasting money she invested in me by taking on jobs that are taking me nowhere. I have joined a neuroimmunology club for a quarter. That is all I have.
I want to make use of my remaining university quarter well, and I want to try going into research on mental disorders and/or physiology-related fields. This is mainly because my brother has autism, and I have social anxiety and depression, so I want to study the brain more. My mother is against this, she said it won't bring in much money and it's wasting my time. She asks me to apply to a pharmacy school because, in my home country (Thailand), it brings in a lot of money to own a pharmacy shop. She wants me to earn a lot of money fast, in some way shape, or form, and I feel overwhelmed and don't know where to start. Since I am financially dependent on her, it's harder to not listen to her.
I am applying for Optional Practical Training, which will allow me to work in the U.S. for 1 year after graduation. However, in order to work for a year, I first need to have a job that is directly related to my major within the first 3 months after graduation. So far, I don't know if I will ever get a job.
What do you all suggest I do at this point?