TW: suicide
Long time lurker, first time posting, on mobile, etc.
I work in a notoriously demanding and high stress industry. I’ve been at this job for about 8 months (after switching from a different notoriously demanding industry), and I’ve already received a promotion of sorts; the kind that comes with more work and more responsibility, but for the same pay. I’ve worked a lot of jobs where I moved up the ladder in less than a year. I perform well under pressure and consistently exceed expectations. Sometimes I even enjoy challenges, but this current situation is fucking in.hu.mane!
It’s the same old story of inept and checked-out leadership, colleagues who’re absolutely useless, and being chronically short staffed. Not to mention the lousy af pay or the social-life-killing nights and weekends shift. Things are just as bad at our local competitors, and like I said, it’s an industry known for being difficult, but I can’t accept this as just the status quo.
In spite of all that bull, I’m crushing this job. I hear it from my supervisors and coworkers almost daily, who’ve also noticed I’m working with extra shitty circumstances. But y’all, if I have another day like today I’m absolutely going to kill myself. Of course, it wouldn’t be just because of my job, but it’s truly driving me to the brink. Not my first rodeo with this level of depression; I’ve got a long-standing and aggressively managed history of mental illness and PTSD. I was in therapy earlier this year, until my provider switched practices (love that for her), but I do have an appointment with a new place coming up and I’m already on meds (max doses, monitored monthly). I’ve been trying so hard, but jesus fucking christ… the way things are going, best case scenario is I go on medical leave for like a month of inpatient treatment.
Quick side note: that is actually “the plan.” I’m not in immediate danger of hurting myself, but today I did get to that point of, “Oh wow, I can’t take this anymore, can I?” And after writing this far, I’m already feeling less distressed than before (thank you for reading, dear internet stranger). So please don’t worry because the point I’m driving at is:
Something needs to change here. There’s definitely more than one aspect of my life I can address to help myself (and I’ll get to those too), but I need and want this job to work out. I have one or two concrete ideas on how to make that happen, none of which the decision makers will like, but I have to try. I sure as hell don’t want to have that conversation at THIS level of detail with employers, though. What’s the professional way to say, “If you don’t fix this shit with my job, I won’t be here to work it.”