My life feels like it’s falling apart. I got a job offer to toil away with back-breaking labor in retail. Manager told me that I’ll probably work most of the day on really long, over 12 hour days. Previous employee left so I’m forced to pick up the slack and undoubtedly be forced to work overtime every day.
I was told that I had to work or I’d be forced out and be homeless. I’ve battled with depression and suicidal thoughts since before I was even a teenager, and at a time I thought I was finally doing good things in my life I get hit with this ultimatum.
I want to die instead. My body has constant physical pain but my doctor doesn’t care enough to spend more than five minutes to talk with me. I’m forced to wait weeks before I can even begin to talk to a therapist, I have no medications, no psychiatrists, and the medication I was prescribed apparently increases sducidal ideations (I haven’t taken them yet).
My depression and self-loathing has made my partner upset by proxy. I can’t tell them that I’m feeling these things. I don’t want to be homeless but I can’t work. The thought of slaving away for the rest of my life as nothing but a wage slave depresses me to no end. I have no marketable hobbies or passions. I’m stuck. I do nothing but feel dread and misery every day, fearing the next as I encroach the inevitability of being forced to resign my freedom for the rest of my days. I can’t do this. I want to just not exist.
Why does this have to be my life? Why must I be told to suck it up, look on the bright side, savor the days I have off and vacation days? Why should that be the default? Why can’t I just enjoy my already dull life instead of forcing myself to destroy my body and mind either until i retire or until I commit suicide?
Yeah, other people have it bad. Some don’t have homes, some don’t have a bed and food. But why must it be work, die, or be homeless and starve? If I don’t kill myself or work, I’ll end up homeless, and probably kill myself anyways. We all die so what’s the point of living a life in suffering?