A lot of us have grown up to be 'customer service' people–even in our personal lives. I think a lot of this stems from growing up in a generation where parents/teachers/authority figures yelled at you for ever saying “no”. There always seemed to be a dynamic of “i say jump, you say how high, and you dont ask why.” What happens to a kid who is raised that way? It means they'll say 'yes' all the time.
Some of the side effects of saying no more is:
- more personal time (free personal time/ free work time to work on your projects);
- more respect from your peers: you will be perceived as someone whose time is valuable;
- less requests for unexpected favors;
- Getting more time to actually evaluate/decide if you want to take on a certain task.
But how do you get started saying 'no' more?
Mostly — you practice, but you also need to restructure your mental paradigm and get rid of that little obedient kid inside who was taught to never say 'no'…you need to change your paradigm to value your own resources (be it work time, off time, or energy) more than others'.
If you say “yes” to everything (maybe out of some misplaced idea of being a 'team player' or 'duty', it communicates to others ideas like: “oh great, that's not a big deal for them” or “oh they agree that they have the time and i don't.”
When people ask for favors, at the root, they're saying “I have something more important to do than this, but you don't.” When you think of it in those terms, it's easier to recognize that people are taking advantage of you and/or devaluing your time — and that makes it easier to say no.
But conversely, you also need to recognize that their devaluation of your time is often reflective of your own devaluation of your time — by always saying yes. You are setting a precedent that says their time is more important than yours. When you say no, you are effectively communicating, “I know my worth, and this is not it.” That will give you a reputation. Often times that reputation can often times be one of deference or respect–someone who has important things to do and can't be bothered with trivial matters.
But how do you learn to say no? How do you learn to get comfortable being the “a-hole” of the office?
- Start small: the first step to saying 'no' is to learn to defer your response (as others have pointed out in response to this. Recognize that you dont owe anyone an answer right at the moment they ask–and it's not even a big deal to ask for time to think about something. Then evaluate whether you want/can do it and weigh the ROI on your effort.
- Also recognize that it's okay to change your mind. “Hey, i know i agreed to do this but i just can't actually fit it in.” Your first answer is not written in stone.
- Keep in mind that it's always better to say “no” first and then come back with a “yes” later than it is to say “yes” first and then renege on it later.
- You no one an explanation. Your time is your time and it is your prerogative and no one else's. You can give an explanation of course if you feel that it's worth it in the situation or for the relationship, but you can say “no” and leave it at that. Don't posture yourself as apologetic, don't try to justify it. The simple reason of “I don't want to” is good enough–and you can share that with them, if you want to.
The point of making “no” a standard part of your vocabulary though is not to categorically say no to everything always and to never do anyone a favor, but rather it is an exercise in prioritizing, evaluating, and calculating your own benefits to investing your time and energy into a given task.
Do you have a friendship you want to maintain: that's a benefit. Will a favor get you a promotion or a raise or give you experience in a new skill? Those are all potential benefits. Will you still be expendable by management for coming in on your day off and will they still refuse to hire more people? That's not a benefit.
I don't think you'll get good at all of these things at once–but start small and as you get more comfortable with it you can start to be a bit 'harder' on how you say no. But i think you'll also find that as you say “no” more often, the number of requests you receive to do “favors” or take on a little extra work will dwindle significantly!
You are the gatekeeper of your time. Be a good gatekeeper and only let in those who wish you well.