Apologies in advance for the crypticness. I'm enraged and I feel like less is more right now and I just need to get this off my chest.
I've been at the same company for 6 years. I started out in a rotational program for early hires and found a role within the company after the program was over (that I was told was my only option. The original option they told me I shouldn't do even though that's what I wanted to do.). I stuck out that role for about 3 years and decided that I couldn't handle the sexism, 60+ hour weeks, and the workload. So I left and went to go back to a team I worked for before to get away from it all. I loved the hiring manager and was excited to work for them again. When I got back to that team, the person who my manger has been out for 6+ months. I didn't know this when I applied/accepted the role. No one told me. They came back for a short while and now officially is gone.
So, left my last team for more normalcy and basically ran headfirst into more craziness.
I have a new manager, I do not like them. They are PUSHING me into leadership and just ignores what I want. At first, I told them I just want to be good at my job. They ignored me and told me to start thinking like a leader. They asked me how am I going to support my family if I don't climb the corporate ladder? (I don't even have kids nor am married..or am supporting anyone but myself..?) Because I suck at sticking up for myself and fear for losing my job, I just comply. So, I figure what's the harm in trying. So I decided to apply for leadership programs in my company. My mid year review comes along and I was told (verbally) by my manger that I don't do enough for the greater good of the company and that I will have to work past my 9-5. However; when I read my written review; it was like whiplash. I was angry. I looked at our internal job postings and found a role that I think I would like and applied.
Due to the rules of the company, I have to tell my manager if I get said interview, and I did today. So I told them today, and they went off on me. I was told that I'm not loyal if I continue to job hop like I am and I wont make a good leader because I don't know what I want. Told me if I want to try new things I should be asking around the company to do 'free' work for other teams and decide from there. I was also given a homework assignment to test my leadership skills. In the coming weeks, my manger will call me and tell me that they don't like what they do and are looking to leave. I then need to be the manager in that situation and guide them. I feel like the first thing I will say is I wont tell them they're not loyal. This whole conversation was intimidating and bullying but masked under the rouse of “We're having an open conversation”.
I feel like an utter failure. Nothing I do is ever good enough. They always want more and more and more and I'm just exhausted. I know the reason why they're so upset with me is because I'm being used as a chess piece. If I make it up to leadership, it looks great on my manager, but who cares about my well-being? They act like they do and they don't. They basically admitted that to me earlier this week. I needed them to fill out a survey about me for some certification, and they told me to ask someone else who knows me more… doesn't that speak volumes.
I feel as if I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. At this point I feel like I made my bed, and now I have to lay in it. There's no point with talking with HR how I feel. They'll look after the companies needs before my own. Sometimes I feel like I'm the problem. Maybe there's just something wrong with me which is making me so miserable in these roles.
Has anyone ever been in this situation with their manager? I'm at a loss of what to do. At this point I feel like it's best if I fight hard for this new role and just get out from this manager. I'm terrified of the repercussions that this will have and I feel like I made a huge mistake. I'm young and just trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and right now. I know where I am is not where I want to be. I don't want to be treated this way. I don't want to work for someone like this ever again.
I would love to leave the company, but I get 0 responses from my job applications or just rejections. Love the corporate world.