I quit my last job 11 months ago due to a severe panic attack at work where I ended up crying, hyperventilating, and self harming the night I walked out. My boyfriend assured me that I could take as long as I needed and I told him I knew it wouldn't be over 6 months before I was ready for a new job. That a year would be laughable and surely I wouldn't take that long. Here I am though, I still have enough money saved for rent as that was his main concern. He wanted me to pay for my own stuff and rent but other than that as long as I didn't spend anything on frivolous things I could stay afloat. I have enough for a few more months of rent and some help on groceries but since we will move out soon I'm pretty much forced to get a job to show I have money for the apartment applications. I was halfway through an online application at the place my boyfriend works at before I canceled it abruptly and started self harming. I hate how the idea of working again makes me feel overtaken with anxiety and anger. I have severe anxiety, BPD, depression, ADHD, and a general hatred/fear of people mixed with Agoraphobia. I'm essentially not even a real person. Just a fake person pretending they can be a part of society while they can't function or even drive a car. I'm seriously so useless. Therapy doesn't help and the idea of working fast food again while my friends get cushy office jobs for double the pay makes me feel incredibly sick to my stomach. It doesn't help that the job he works at provides no breaks or lunch breaks no matter how long you work so I would be standing for over 8 hours in incredible pain. The only way I was able to get through the days was to sit for 5 minutes every 2 hours at my old job and take a 10 minute lunch breaks once a shift. Even then, my feet and neck pain would make me cry at work sometimes. Now that's not even possible. I have no ride to work any other way. I feel stuck. I hate to say it but my suicidal thoughts are seriously coming back. I feel backed into a corner. Can anyone sympathize or tell me to shut up and deal with it? I'm not sure what I need to hear, I just feel like I'm going crazy. I feel torn between getting over it and killing myself which is obviously extreme but these thoughts are so exhausting that I find myself just sleeping all day and crying. I'm just tired