Hey, CEOs and WSJ writers, I'm here to confirm your suspicions. When the Republican president of the United States, with a Republican congress, agreed to give me two HANDOUT checks–WAY more than any Democrat president or congress has given me, by the way–I realized that I was set free from working.
When I see signs around my city that say, “Nobody wants to work anymore,” I smile because those $2000 have really lasted me for years and will carry me for the rest of my life. It has made me so lazy. I never need to work again.
Sometimes I point to a “Nobody wants to work anymore” sign in a restaurant window and then look at other people walking by. They read it and smile, too, because many of them also received two FAT handout checks from the Republican president's administration and they don't have to work anymore either.
You know what I've done with my $2000? I bought two Teslas and immediately crashed one on purpose. I eat lobster for dinner every weeknight, but switch it up for Alaskan King Crab on the weekends so I don't get too bored. I've hired three full-time, live-in housekeepers at my newly-purchased estate that once belonged to a Vanderbilt. The housekeepers keep things looking good while I'm taking day trips in my mega-yacht.
Also, now I only wear Tom Ford clothing, and I only wear Patek Philippe watches that once were owned by now-dead celebrities.
Gotta tell you, those $2000ish dollars really changed my life all those years ago and I know I'm bad for the working economy now but I'm just too happy. Yeah, I'm lazier now, but that's someone else's problem.
Right–some of you want point out that the 2020 Democratic administration also sent some of us a smaller handout check. I have been using those “fun” dollars to buy investment properties. I started with a small condo in Miami Beach but everyone who had already been FLUSH with Republican handouts had already scooped up most of the good stuff. Now I can only buy properties in rural Wisconsin.
I wish I didn't have so much money. It's really ruined my life. I miss being industrious sometimes.
Damn handouts.
What's that? My omelette with caviar is ready?
Gotta go.