PTSD Triggered at work and think I messed it all up.
I didn’t realize I was triggered until it was too late. A bit of venting, but would love advice. Also, everything I say is alleged.
I had been having trouble with a manager for a while and decided to speak up about it. I’m still pretty green, at this point now I would have just reported it and tried to make my peace that way.
Essentially, they laughed and dismissed me. What really sent me over the edge was then referencing my home and items inside of it in a way that was a bit too specific for my liking…given some of the things I’ve gone through. Amongst a handful of other questionable things. I stayed calm and thoughtful in how I responded to their jabs and pettiness for weeks, until I couldn’t take it anymore.
I ended up fully losing my shit and just had an idgaf mentality for weeks. It was graceless and cold. I take responsibility for how disrespectful it was and not having better control of my responses/reactions. It left a bad taste in everyone’s mouths, understandable, and I was subject to a lot of insults and frustration for a while. Blatantly disliked (dare I say, hated) after having such a nice rapport before.
I was just so disappointed that my concerns weren’t heard and people were witnessing it. I wanted so badly to be understood. People even tried to help me, but I was so overwhelmed I had a lot of blinders up. I wasn’t playing my cards right and know I disappointed them, myself, and shattered the trust that was once there.
I’m on a leave now (not assigned by them), and I could maybe go back if I want to. I just feel like I’ll probably be fired anyway. After having more time to process, I feel embarrassed and want to apologize to everyone…but it’s probably too little to late after about 2 months of me being in that “idgaf” state.
Do you guys have advice? Have you ever been in a situation like this?
Once again, this is all alleged.