So I need to vent.
Where do I begin?
Perhaps first with my upbringing and second with the system I was flung into.
My family were protestants (Calvanist or Pentacostals I think), a sort of protestant that preached one showed faith through hard work. That meant even children who must labor on their farms else be found guilty of sin. I rember days as young as 8 years old stacking wood and cleaning tractors only to be met with the same response “Not high enough” “Not clean enough”. Needless to say it bred ingrained insecurity in me, the sort that still remains despite me dropping the faith which promoted such work.
Tbh the same could be said for education. I would throw my whole being into a task only to receive middling grades. “DO BETTER” “ITS NOT ENOUGH”! Those were the echoes of my parents pouring over my B's and C's and whenever I did get an A (mostly on History or English assignments, the sort they saw as the “worthless” studies) it would be brushed off as something unimpressive. I wanted to follow my passions as a chef but was pushed to pursue chemistry and biology which I did.
Now enter the workplace, under a system which fed off anxiety and insecurities.
And you know what? I exceed there. I throw myself into the meat grinder and do it again three times over without hesitation. I complete my tasks with lightning pace even neglecting my own well being to get it done. I willingly skip breaks and even lunch breaks if it means doing “a better job”. I will find work when there is none and I work until I break a sweat!
I do this with vigor fueled by anxiety and insecurity and I gain the favor of bosses in an endless game of brown nosing social climbing.
I am the worker which capitalism wants and loves and craves and I FUCKING HATE IT!
I hate the way I came out, I hate the mental state I'm stuck with, I hate the system I work under, and I hate the fact my self flagillation is exactly what the system craves.
But knowing ones condition is not the same having control over it. I'm aware of who I am but not capable nor knowledgeable of how to make the necessary changes.
Now if you see me in the workplace and think “there goes that sycophant, that brown noser” I want you to know that I know how you feel and that with every step on the factory floor I do so with intetnal pain wishing to be free.