I have been working as a freelance designer almost exclusively with a company that makes these huge events twice a year. Initially, I was a freelancer, though I took a more permanent work position with them two weeks ago. I am the only designer and I am in charge of most of the stuff that gets printed out before the event, and then during the event, I do any tasks they need of me. I suck as a designer, I suck and I know it. University burned the creativity and passion right out of me, and I am not an outgoing person by any means.
Every time there is an event, I ask them to give me the info on what is needed well in advance, and every time I am given that information late after begging for weeks (sometimes months) on end. Like a couple of weeks before the event type of late. I almost have to beg them for the basic information that should go on the prints, and I know for a fact they keep me out of the loop on many things since I get an influx of requests for urgent work all at the same time the same day.
Here is the kicker though: When they need me, they NEED me. I have to see their emails at a moment's notice, I have to be working almost 24/7 or they start acting like I'm incompetent. They will call me at any time and then act like it is my fault that I answer so late (“I'm worried you are not sleeping, I know I told you at 11 pm we needed these 5 pieces of design first thing tomorrow morning, but why were you sending me stuff at 4 am? take care of yourself and also take into account that it interrupts my sleep”).
I am getting panic attacks every time my phone buzzes, I have cried twice this week already (it's Monday), and I still feel like I'm the most useless person to ever grace their presence. These people are my literal family, and I have wanted to scream in their faces on more than one occasion. Every success is their's and every failure is mine.
My mental health has taken a nosedive since I graduated, and working with people who have no qualms about making me feel like a burden while also pushing some of their work onto me, has made me feel so small and so… unworthy of belonging.
I don't know how to juggle all my responsibilities, my declining mental health, my irritability, and my work-life boundaries. I'm tired of working for 16 hours straight sitting on a chair and still being treated as if I had not worked even one. I'm tired of the back-handed compliments, of being ignored, of the stonewalling, and the constant digs at how “easy” my job is.