So I finally got a job in my chosen field and in a great location where I have steady clientele, where there is a certain degree of prestige, where I have health insurance and where I make enough money to actually live (it's shocking how to hard to come by that last thing is).
In theory, I love what I do but put what I love in the context of the modern American work environment and I don't know how much longer I can do it without getting burn out. And yet, there is also incredible pressure not to lose this job because I know in this industry it truly doesn't get much better than what I have right now.
My workplace is extremely stressful and Corporate doesn't really care if my clients love me. They care if I'm hitting certain KPIs. My manager keeps me on my toes and makes me feel as though my best is never good enough and that any wrong move could lead me to getting fired. This morning she praised me for bringing in positive reviews only to sternly chew me out by the end of the night for something small and gave me an ominous warning that I had one last chance.
I think I was happier or at least more optimistic, when I was working shitty minimum wage service industry jobs. I didn't take pride in my work because it wasn't my passion, I knew if I got fired I could easily find another shitty minimum wage service job and there was the idea that there was something beyond all this, something better and that my time working a shitty job was only a temporary means to an end.
Well now here I am at the something beyond and aside from the money, it's not something better. It's something soul crushing. My field is something I'm passionate about but the modern work environment sucks the passion out of you. Whether that's by preventing you from doing it or forcing you to do it, the result is the same.
You'll have noticed I haven't mentioned my actual profession. I don't think it matters. I could switch careers and maybe for a short time, the freshness of the change would give me some temporary excitement, but I've realized no matter where I go or what I do, it will be the same bullshit, because that's life in this burrecratic capitalist hellscape.