Hi there guys,
So because of my disability (I have aspergers syndrom), I've been spending years and years (yes, several years) unemployed, despite having a BA and a Master's degree. I was able to live very decently because where I live (South of France) we get what's called a “disability fund”, and I didn't have to pay a rent because…well, let's just say I'm lucky enough to be able to live alone in a comfortable appartment without paying rent. So I was actually ok, and, in fact, life wasn't unpleasant. But without that…man, my life would have been really tough.
A friend of mine who's a business owner helped me cover the gaps by giving me a work certificate certifying that I had been working for him for years, and that helped quite a bit, I was 30 at that time…except covid happened and it was impossible to find a job during that time…so I lied again after COVID “ended”, saying I was a freelance community manager for 1.5 years working off the table in order to be active during the pandemic.
At the beginning of this year (2022), I was finally able to start a job that lasted me months, at 32 years old, and I'm back at it a few months later at 33 years old (the job was only supposed to last that long), since early November, because the boss enjoyed working with me, and is grooming me to take over since he's retiring in a year.
It's a very small company, the pay is quite small for now, but I like the job and there's a real opportunity in this business.
So yeah, despite my degrees, I've spent most of my adult life struggling to get jobs, and now that I finally feel stable at 33…I'm extremely ashamed by all of this, and I'm fighting to get over more painful stuff:
-I'm ashamed of starting life at my age , I'm ashamed of my small salary despite me liking the job, and I feel like I'm a huge failure. I know I have a disability, but other people do too and do better. It came to a point where I have thoughts such as “you better keep this job and do well or you'll be 34 with almost no experience prior in a year, do you really want that? Do you want to be back to this?”
I've tried to get jobs for years, but…it just didn't work out. I wasn't lazy, I just was that “incredibly unlucky guy”.
-I'm very anxious by nature, so even years later I feel uncomfortable about having lied. The friend who gave me a work certificate signed by his hand years ago (again, it's his business) tells me that it's literally extremely unlikely that anyone will ever find out about it since he's the one vouching for me, that years have passed, and that I can put it behind me. Same thing for the “freelance job” on my resume, apparently people do that all the time too.
Do you think he's right honestly? Am I very unlikely to be found out one day? No one did so far, even when they did background checks (since he was my “employer”, if you get my meaning, and he confirmed my story when it had to happen).
I don't know…am I being too hard on myself? I just want one chance at a successful career like everyone else. If I didn't do what I did, I'd probably be unemployable. With this, at least, I have options.
Most things aren't bad though believe it or not: I have a loving family, friends, I'm not lacking for anything at all, I live comfortably…it's just that I'd like to achieve something “real”, no matter if it takes me decades, I just want to get somewhere and think “man, that's something”, you know?
Thank you for your help, please take care.