Hi r/antiwork currently on the edge of full tilt insanity so sorry if this isn't the cleanest read. That's mostly what this is about anyway. I've had a job for the past two years, and honestly what it is doesn't matter because I'm not sure any job wouldn't eventually do me in. I've been watching my mental health deteriorate the entire time I've been here. Every day I come in here and every tiny inconvenience chips away at me and I go home and rest and I just don't get better. It's really not so bad but even the little bad is starting to push me to run away from it all and hide and never let the world see me again. I've got multiple disorders that make life difficult and lately all the built up tension has pushed them to the limit. I have constant nightmares about being hunted down and killed or well, being made to relive some past traumas. And then in real life these thoughts all translate to real people, I've taken to carrying the best weapon that won't make the cops suspicious and I'm honestly not sure how bad things would get if my head interpreted an errant movement as an attempt to attack me. I'm outright hostile in the things that come out of my mouth to my coworkers today but it isn't me saying them, I just don't have the strength to suppress the other people in my head anymore. It seems obvious to me that I can't stay working but the only things that bring me comfort are my home my boyfriend and my hormones that make the dysphoria go away. I want to get help and I want to get better but I don't know how to do that without losing the only things I actually care about. What do you all think? Am I just destined to continue here until I eventually snap and lose everything or is there anything I can do. I went through this all 5 years ago and I really thought I could do better this time but I'm right back in the same position. I just don't know, I simply don't know what to do anymore, or if I can do anything, y'know?