So, a little background. I make about $80k a year working in specialty finance. We do commercial/industrial/turnaround financing for companies who can't get conventional bank financing and have just exited or approaching bankruptcy that don't have a proven track record.
For nearly two years I've been working 60/70/80 hours a week, with the only exceptions being holiday weeks or the time around Thanksgiving and Christmas when things slow down and we can catch up.
Everything has been a drain on my sanity and I went from saying it's just a bad day, it will be better tomorrow to it's just a bad week, it will be better next week to it's just a bad month, it will be better next month to it's just a bad quarter, it will be better next quarter.
Well, it's next quarter. How many times are we gonna kick this can down the road?
A few months ago I was basically told suck it up buttercup, it aint getting any better BTW find time to do more stuff because this is super important. I held my tongue and wanted to tell that person to fuck off since I'm working 70 hours that week and I'm still a week behind.
Just last week was on a conference call with another division VP and my boss and I was basically told “why aren't you doing X Y and Z?” and my boss said “We don't have time” and without asking what we're working on or how much we're all working the response was totally tone deaf and was, verbatim “We got money out on this deal, I don't care if you don't have time. Make time.”
I muted myself on the zoom as I called the other VP a series of names that would put Gordon Ramsay to shame.
Naturally, I decided to have the “I'm tired of this stupid bullshit and ready to quit” convo with my boss, and I had to have it twice because the first time I was having it some stupid bullshit came up that I needed to drop everything and handle. The irony of this should not be lost on anyone.
This weekend, I did a lot of thinking and if the attitude is that 60-80 hours isn't enough and I need to find/make time to do more things, they can find someone else to find the time to do those things because I've had it.
Hardly a day goes by when I don't think about quitting this business. Hanging it up. Taking my proverbial bat and ball and going home. In my imagination, the day after I quit is a wonderful, relaxing, joyful experience. I reconnect with old friends, walk on the beach, read, listen to music, play video games, play mini golf, eat leisurely meals off of real plates, exercise, meditate, maybe go see a matinee, or take a stab at writing a few pages of a self-indulgent, joke-free play filled with people screaming at each other, and then, after an evening of bar trivia, climb into bed and fall into a peaceful, stress-free sleep. The day after that, bored out of my mind, I start drinking around the clock and quickly descend into a dark, frothing madness that leads to either being institutionalized or liver failure and an agonizing, premature death. The really scary part? There's hardly a day goes by when I don't think about quitting this business.
I want my life back.
I'm done. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.