I am on full-blown panic and paranoia mode.
So I have been with this architecture company for about 6 months as a junior designer. For the first 2 months I was working rather excellently. Then another two months go by, I was experiencing a learning curve somewhere in-between and then I go into iodine radiation therapy briefly. Another 2 months, work becomes slow.
My boss notices I've been going to the bathroom a lot recently (I have a UTI, and I've been struggling to treat it for months). He asks me if I should be taking PTO, and I said no, I'm fine.
With all the slow days happening, my boss finally takes me aside and tells me that even though nobody's been warning me or giving me the impression, that I am working too fast and missing stuff that's creating problems for my coworkers.
I don't know what he's talking about. Yes it might have been an issue a few months ago, but I managed to work around it and figure out what I was doing wrong with my work ethic.
The next morning I get an email saying that I am bored (not true) and that I need to slow down, but if I don't improve in the next 2 weeks, I will start on the PIP.
I mean there's been a bit of intense moments in the recent months. I worked from home while I was in quarantine from my iodide radiation therapy. Was given a project that slowed me down due to insufficient information, had a limited due date, and almost caused me to miss more urgent matters from my other managers. Then I had to have a private talk with another manager about being careful about my timesheet and not overcharging, because we're working on projects beyond budget, but we still work on them so we don't lose clients.
Yeah there's been a bit of chaos recently, and I feel like if there's trouble, I might be the first to go. It's erringly disorganized.
I have 2 side jobs (well one consistent side job really) and yeah they're my back up plan or a financial “safety net” so to speak, but I'll be honest the person I work for on the 2nd job is kind of shady.
I got really good advice from one of my coworkers and just need to stop asking for help, and just learn how to work a little more independently. I'm not confident this will guarantee I will get back on my employer's good side, but I'll do anything to keep the job.
I'm just worried even if I try to improve, I will still “fail” because the reason I'm under surveillance is for a different reason. Maybe they know about my side gig. Maybe my employer doesn't feel confident about the fact that I have a medical condition. Maybe they're overstaffed, and would rather make more money by reducing their team. I just got a sense from his PIP email that he was airing a grievance, and I wasn't sure why he could possibly be resentful. Everyone in the office wouldn't think he's a grudgy guy, quite the opposite, people say he brings positive energy.
I'm struggling to get over my paranoia and anxiety. I don't want to struggle to survive because I'm a “job hopper” or “cannot keep a job” according to my resume. I have so many medical conditions (cancer, autoimmune, POTS, narcolepsy, spine disease) that I am almost disabled but if I want to get better I need to pay for it and have income. Unfortunately I don't have a supportive family, because they're main priority is money and they don't even realize how sick I am. When I explain to my father, he tells me I'm a hypochondriac, or dismisses my diagnoses or tells me I should just live with it.
If money or health wasn't an issue, neither would the possibility of me getting fired.