I’m fresh out of college & have been at my first “big-girl” job for almost a year now. I am new to the adult working world & still learning the ins and outs industry I’m in. I am also technically still in training as the work we do shifts depending on the time of year, thus, each month / season brings new tasks I need to learn.
My supervisor is just awful. So awful. I mean genuinely has to have some sort of insufferable personality disorder. They are so manipulative & calculated & I never know who I’m going to get each day when I walk into the office. It gives me so much anxiety.
They feel like an abusive partner. I’m in this cycle with them that I can never escape, that goes something like this:
-
I do something wrong, I mess something up, I do something they disapprove of, I question something they tells me to do, etc.
-
They get angry & make it clear that they are angry, but only to me & only through clandestine patterns that I’ve picked up on. It’s so passive aggressive that it doesn’t seem wrong to anyone except me.
-
They say it’s fine, it’s not a big deal, they’ll help me out, etc. but makes it very clear through their actions and behavior that IT IS NOT FINE and they WILL NOT HELP.
-
Because it is not fine, no matter how much they insist it is, they punish me. The punishments often take the form of a silent treatment in which they ignore all questions, emails, messages, etc. for a couple days. Sometimes they take the form of weaponized incompetence where they pretend they don’t know how to help or do anything I ask them questions about. Sometimes the punishments go so far as humiliating me or talking down on me to our “big boss.” No matter what, though, if something is done that they does not agree with / they get mad at, I will get punished. And only in ways that I know are punishments.
-
This makes it difficult for me to stand up for myself, not just to them, but to their supervisor as well. HR is absolutely useless in my company (think submit a ticket online & hear back in 10 days). Once I’ve had enough, and taken their shit for too long, I finally set a soft boundary with them. Example: “I get the sense that you are frustrated with me, and it is making me uncomfortable.” Or “Is there something you are expecting of me that I am missing?” Or “How can I help solve this issue we are facing?”
-
Once I finally speak up & make it known I’ve picked up on this, they put a new face on. It’s time for love bombing. They come in the office with treats & trinkets & gifts for me. They act like they are my best friend. They send me random texts & posts at night that have nothing to do with work. They buy me coffee & breakfast. They try to earn my trust & become OVERLY helpful. This continues until I make the next “mistake.”
-
The cycle repeats.
I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I love my job & the work I am doing & there are so many perks that keep me here. It is such an awesome first job fresh out of college, everyone else really values me & the work I do, I feel like a part of a team and I love it. I love the environment, and generally, the culture. But I am really struggling here. It’s fucking me up psychologically. I am being gaslit & manipulated & mentally tortured.
I have tried speaking to their boss about this, who I have a really positive relationship with. Unfortunately, I find it hard to articulate and describe the situation when it comes down to it, so I don’t think I’ve ever clearly expressed how fucked up it is. Because everything is so passive aggressive, it seems like I am just interpreting it in a bad way, they could mean something else, it’s not “bad enough” to warrant a complaint, etc.
It’s so fucked. I hate it. My chest gets tight just thinking about work anymore. I was so excited for this job & wanted it so bad, now all I do is dread the next day & anxiously await the next cycle.