Been pushing through burnout for probably a year and called my work to tell them I'm taking short term disability last week. At this point I'd rather be homeless than go back.
When I met with my psychiatrist she seemed so scornful of me for asking for disability, to the point where I was surprised she even okayed it, and I want to die. I just don't feel like this world was even made for someone like me, and I don't think I can go back to smothering myself every day. I hate drowning in work, having to triple check every detail so I don't fuck up and miss an obvious detail someone else would catch easily, I hate having to babysit people who don't listen or even see me as human, and I hate going home too tired to do anything but sleep for 12 hours till it's time to work again. I can't do this.
I just want to make beautiful things, but I can't even function enough to figure out how to do that without living on the street, and now I've figured out a way and I feel so guilty about it.
And the worst part is i feel guilty for not caring about my job anymore when, as far as I know, most of my peers don't make half as much as I do. I should be grateful, right, not just want to take as much disability as I can get so I can survive until I die and someone tosses the books of poetry I've written into the trash… the way my psychiatrist looked at me just makes me feel like garbage. Is this what it's like to be disabled? I'm definitely feeling that way just now. I tried so hard- part of me says to suck it up and do your job because nobody gets a free ride and the rest of me says “just try to make me, loser”. The only thing that made me give up after months of misery was almost crashing on the freeway because i was crying so hard on the way to work. I scared my girlfrirend so badly and I never want to do that to her again. I just don't know how to not feel like a jobless loser for not contributing to rent when my luck finally runs out and I can't hurdle red tape anymore and I end up fired.
Thanks for reading this far. Sending hearts ️️