I keep flashing between anger. Disbelief. Frustration. Bawling and shaking. Being upset with myself for not visiting him more. Being blind with anger without understanding exactly why.
The more I reflect, the more I realize that I spent nearly my entire adult life working my ass off, building wealth for others. How many visits did I skip because I was slammed or exhausted from work. Chasing crumbs so I could maintain and build some kind of basic stability in life.
He taught me that strong work ethic. He was a cattle rancher. He worked hard his entire life, but the deal was better back then. I gave that same effort, but it took more and it gave less. Pouring my life and time into work so that shareholders can make more. And more. All that time and energy soaked into the pocket of someone who didn’t need it. Time that was stolen from me, from him.
That theft of life that is happening day-in day-out. Missed moments with your kids. Exhaustion that prevents you from being fully present in your one and only life. The ever increasing take that is happening. It needs to stop.
I blame myself for not seeing him more, but I know the situation that put me there is because of this capitalist hellscape that puts profits over people. I was just trying to keep it together.
When will this all fall apart?