Hi folks
I'll jump right into it. I've struggled with abuse of my ADHD medication for a long time now. I have a psych whom is too ready and eager to prescribe, and open to your own suggestions too. Case in point, I take Mydayis–16 hr version of adderall. Maximum FDA approved dose is 50mg. I am prescribed 150mg. 90 pills a month. I'm only supposed to take 125mg a day. This leaves me with 15 extra pills a month, which have stockpiled overtime and I regularly take extras. Plenty of occasions I've taken around 200+ mg a day, have probably done worse in the past especially when I used to combine it with ephedrine.
Now the whole reason I had to be prescribed so much was that I abused it to the point where a 'normal' dose wouldn't work, of course any time I had access to extras or could find a way to get them I did. The reason I get a 90 count each month but only for 125mg is because under my insurance, a 30 day supply of the medication maxes out at $70 OOP. So I would've been paying $70 for the 60ct 50mg, and $70 for the 30ct 25mg. I realized if I were prescribed 90ct 50mg, it would still only be $70–AND I realized this was the perfect way to finally have constant easy access to extras. You see the way I've learned to manipulate this in my favor.
This all mainly stemmed from some eating disorder stuff which I struggle with immensely, I'm a 5'10 male and recently in December got all the way down to 122lbs, a drop from the 140 I was back in June. A lot of that dropped after I had COVID in June but still.
Well this excess of medication and maintaining this high a dose of this med was always reliant on me having a good healthcare plan. I knew that somehow, inevitably someday this would have to end somehow, but I wasn't going to stop it myself unless something forced me to.
So you see this coming April I'm losing my current healthcare and will have to go onto one of the many exclusively shitty marketplace options. My medication is not covered, and no quantity of any of the amphetamine based ADHD meds that would be equal to what I take now is going to be covered.
I will admit I cried talking on the phone to the insurance company when I had the situation explained to me. I looked at every possible avenue to make it so I didn't have to stop this.
Then I kind of realized I had two roads ahead of me. I was being presented a situation that could finally break me out of this, force me to have to detox from the med and have a clean slate to restart with an ADHD medication and do it the right way, and then my life could maybe finally move on from this.
Or, I could fight with the insurance company and find a way to keep getting this amount of medication. But then I had the discovery that if I'm fighting for this to continue, that says that I am choosing to continue living my life this way–putting this much effort to keep getting all this medication is my saying this is what I want my life to be like.
That thought was kind of chilling. Led to some honest discussion with my family about whats been going on the past couple years and the reality of what likely is ahead of me.
The basic plan is sometime around April-May we're setting aside a month to either send me to a detox facility, or do it at home with my family. I've read some of what could be in store and I'm nervous. And I'm nervous about what life is going to be like. I'm scared of what my emotional state will be like with the way I have likely ruined my dopamine levels. Its a lot.
So…all that now said, theres an aspect of this that I needed advice on, which is my job.
I have worked as a nanny for the past three years, it has been a blessing of a job and I've gotten to work with wonderful families. My current family, however, is the result of a compromise I had to make because I was desperate to find my next job last summer, and for the first time ever was having difficulty finding one.
I'm currently working with the most kids I've had to work with, taking on the most responsibilities I've ever had to take on as a nanny—most of which have almost nothing to do with the kids—and with the least pay I've received.
Add onto this the mother, whom up until recently was my main point of contact, was horrifically mentally and emotionally damaging to me when I started. There was an understanding when I began that there were certain responsibilities, like cooking, that I'd never done before and would need guidance/teaching, which there was. But then, in what I'll just put in basic terms, what followed was my discovering that no matter what something I did was always wrong, how I shouldn't be anxious about having enough time to get my work done because I am given three hours to do work that took other nannies only one hour and they had more than I did, and she just has ridiculous standards and ideas and CLEARLY seems to think I'm a complete idiot. Idk its too much to explain. I tried to explain to them/her early on when this started to become an issue that I have ADHD and as such jobs with so many intricate moving parts like the insane amount of things they have me doing are difficult for people like me, so it takes me more time. They seemed to understand at first but then she quickly went back to how she was. And knowing I struggled with what I already had to do, at the beginning of the year she added an entire block of new tasks to somehow fit into the week which resulted in my very clearly having a stressful and upsetting week, with her being clueless to what the cause was. As a result, ever since then, they've reduced the amount they have me work more and more.
I was fine working my full hours each day once I got into a set routine, where I knew exactly how to get everything done and that I COULD get everything done, and knew how each day was going to work and move. I had gotten to that point, but she almost somehow seemed bothered by my needing things to be set this way—its clear she can't understand how or why I struggle with any of this, hence why she adds tasks, then when I struggle more–rather than realize what may have caused it, the decision is instead made to cut back my hours. I'm down 10 entire hours per week from when I started.
This job and this woman have destroyed my self confidence and taken a massive toll on my mental health. I have had crying fits at this job several times, my anxiety has reached a level I've not experienced in years…I started experiencing a new symptom regularly that I'd never had before–the chest tightness and having a hard time breathing and feeling like no matter what you couldn't get a deep enough breath in, like your chest/lungs couldn't expand enough. This would last several hours almost every day of the week. I dread going into work every Monday and having this woman be home and coming in and somehow finding something I'm doing wrong. I had to start an antidepressant because of how I was feeling trying to work this job.
The husband, for the record, is absolutely wonderful. I've wanted to try and talk to him separately about these issues so I could explain exactly why I struggled and some of the things his wife has said to me, but I don't know if that would work or even go over well. I just think she fundamentally cannot understand me.
So I have this detox ahead of me, which is going to likely be hell and it may take me a long time to even emotionally function afterward. I'm going to have to be out of work during this period as working will be impossible during the detox period.
I'm struggling with something that I want to do but feel anxious about because of my finances.
I don't want to spend the weeks leading up to this being miserable and a wreck at this job, only to then immediately dive into this very difficult process. I want to have a brief period of time in which I can have a break, do things that make me happy, and make peace with this decision and what my future may hold.
I want to quit this job and take the time leading up to the detoxing for myself, so I can go into this process feeling some closure on this chapter of my life, and getting some moments of peace before it begins.
My concern is my finances. I am poor and don't really make enough for my living expenses as it is. I have an 'ok' amount in savings but never touch it because I have been completely broke before and I'm scared of using it. So quitting my job leading up to the detox is one thing, but the problem is I'll also have to be out of work during the detox period, and once that settles figuring out what I can even handle doing coming out of this.
Thats a decent chunk of time without income.
I'm trying to decide what to do. Do I deserve getting to have this time to myself to try and have some peace before the process? Is it okay to want to do this? Or is it totally unjustified and I'll have brought any future struggles financially on myself and shouldn't expect pity from anyone?
What is the right thing to do here? Thats my problem
Okay that was a lot more than I expected to write, sorry. If you've read the whole thing I'd be unbelievably grateful to get your input and advice. Thank you.