But goddamn, I'm so tired. I don't know if I can handle the application and interview process again.
After I burned out at my last job, which payed decently but was very demanding, I took a shitty part-time food service job out of desperation. I applied every day for three months, probably submitting 200-300 applications during that time. I revamped my resume five or six times; it is quite strong, and I have an excellent skillset, as well as good experience, plus two degrees. I reevaluated my references. This was a harrowing process for me, as I have autism, which frequently percolates into intense depression, anxiety, and self-doubt–applying for jobs is the perfect recipe for inducing suicidal dread.
After all of that effort, I received only three interview offers, and a single job offer–the job which I am now wrestling with quitting. It's a cafe job, which I thought might be suitable since the lighting is dim and comfortable for me, and espresso craft sounded like a wonderful fixation to keep me motivated. I was quite mistaken. The place is barely afloat, and is losing profit every day. This creates a constant environment of pressure from the owner, who can't keep his hands out of things, and creates a very chaotic kitchen flow. We're always running out of supplies, and keeping up on tickets with our limited equipment/space is genuinely impossible.
The managers are amazing people, and my coworkers are great, but I'm honestly worried I'm going to explode at the owner one day, or throw a cup at a customer. Aside from this particular cafe being a shitshow, I don't know if I can tolerate customer/food service these days. I spend most of my free time recovering from the stress of work, curled up in a catatonic ball. I'm too volatile and sensitive for the demands of the job, and I'm so far past my breaking point. But imagining putting in resumes again makes me want to actually kill myself. I opened Indeed today and immediately began weeping. I'm on medication for depression and anxiety, but it doesn't even begin to touch the intensity of my desperation and despair.
Tomorrow we have a mandatory meeting, in which I know the owner will be a condescending, demanding, and entitled heel. I hate him so much. He impedes the middle of the workspace all day, bragging about his travelling and complaining about his Airbnb bullshit. I don't know if I'll be able to make it through that meeting.
I'm considering pursuing disability, as this pattern has repeated in my life several times now. It has gutted all the hope and energy from me. I don't think I can survive another run through the cycle. It is destroying me and I'm so terrified of the future, as well as disappointed in myself.
Anyways: that was a lot of text, so thanks for reading if you did. Needed to vent and reach out to a sympathetic community. Grateful for this sub, and hoping things are going better for everyone else out there.