As a child I always knew I hated the idea of work. I was very talented, so I wanted to become a musician. Everyone in my family told me it's very unlikely, and I should focus on work and academics. I believed them – I do not blame them, they are very good people, just such normies – I went into work force because I simply “could not” into school. I changed jobs very frequently, always plotting to retire early, work less, etc.. finally I spiralled into severe weed addiction, for about 8 years. I'm still addicted and always will be.
Now, 10 years later everyone realizes I'm unreformable. They silent beg me to come back to music, I even got a good guitar for birthday. They just can't fathom I feel it's way too late. I am dead inside. I do not feel anything but numbness and sadness. Working drained me. I could not accept I had to work my life away and let it become my identity. So I stayed in the middle, I'm neither. I do it without any feelings, but also don't feel my passions for music, gaming and all the smaller hobbies I had.
I'm not sure it can be reversed… I already lost a great person due to being agressive in my duality of being a worker and trying to be free + addiction and severy stupidity. I am getting to a point when I'm such a grown up, just… Dead. I fear i will become just another nobody, because i can't focus on anything and spend my life working, eating and then just sitting. Tried to quit all social media, i do not smoke everyday, I changed a job to a one when i only work 3 days a week but 40 hours still. In my free time I just sit and smoke a cigarette after cigarette and plotting how to get out, again, like it will change anything. It can't. We are doomed.
There are obvious ways to fix it – i could move to a country when i can sustain myself working part time. Thing is, I would need to learn a language. Can't be bothered!!! It's so annoying. I used to hate sleep because I loved life so much, I was crazy, obsessively passionate about anything that I got into.
Now all I do is sleep and eat, honestly. Sometimes I have a flash of old me for an hour or three. Few months ago I went through few months of that!
Yeah it can be done. That's why I needed that rant. Maybe I could try one more time to work very hard for a while and it will be different.
Screw work, toxic mindless environment of being a useless average human!!!