I posted in a different subreddit about grief/loss, but I'm hoping it's ok to post here, too. I could really use some words of support or advice.
My dad passed away June 4 after having undergone treatment for myelodysplastic syndrome and then acute leukemia for the past 18 months. I have not been working during my dad's illness and feel as though I haven't even had time to begin to process everything and deal with the aftermath.
My dad did well for a long time up until the last chemo regimen he did in late April, which required him to be hospitalized for three weeks and then resulted in two additional hospitalizations for serious infections, the last of which could not be overcome.
During that year and a half, my sister and I have been the primary helpers for my dad, going with him to Dr and chemo appointments and staying with him full-time these past few months whenever he was in the hospital. After his initial stay during the failed chemo regimen, he ended up having to go back two days later for an infection and staying another 10 days. The second infection, he ended up hospitalized again for about a week before he passed away.
My brother came up to visit for an hour or so most days, but only stayed at the hospital a couple of nights that whole period, while the rest of the time it was my sister and me trading off nights and shuttling back and forth between home and the hospital, running errands and taking care of our dogs. I also prepared all of our evening meals and was responsible for transporting them to the hospital and doing all of the cleanup afterward, either late at night when I got home or the next day if it was my turn to stay the night in our dad's room.
Unlike my brother, neither my sister nor I are married and did not have a spouse at home or teenage children to help us around the house and pick up the slack for when we could not be there. Our experience throughout this whole ordeal has been very different from my brother's. Same thing when my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer 17 years ago and went through about a year and a half of treatment before passing away. My brother's life really wasn't disrupted or changed in any way then or this time around and he did not have to go through what we did. I am not complaining about helping my parents and would do it all over again for them, but I don't think my brother gets how mentally and physically spent I am now.
Within a week or so of my dad's passing, my brother started sending me info about an elementary teaching assistant position at our former school and saying his friend who is on the school's board of trustees could get my foot in the door there. I have no background or experience in teaching and, though I do enjoy children, I have zero interest in that position or working at a school. Long hours away from home and my dog, the poor pay, no room for advancement, etc. all are reasons why, but the biggest reason is that I am just not ready to jump back into work. Just getting out of bed and getting through the day is all I can manage right now.
Also, not having much in the way of a support system has made it that much harder for me to get through the day. I have no close friends to rely on, no aunts or uncles close by and only a couple of much older cousins I don't see regularly. My sister and I do not get along a good deal of the time and she has been very unpleasant toward me for years, but particularly after my dad's diagnosis. It is a bullying situation from which I can't seem to get away. My brother is unsympathetic on that front and never really checks on me to see if I am ok or need someone to talk to and makes me feel as though I am bothering him when I do call him when I am upset .
It has now been four weeks since my dad passed away and I am still facing the return-to-work pressure from my brother. The day after my dad's memorial service, a terrible derecho storm system came through and did widespread damage in our city/county, downed/uprooted trees and power lines, and knocked out power to several hundred thousand residents. Power at my at my house was out for an entire week and it was a long, hot, miserable week of shuttling with my dog back and forth from a motel – one of the few with power – and being at home to take care of things around the house and make sure it was secure – no alarm system without power – while I was away.
I honestly don't know what to do at this point. The last few months have been especially stressful and so much has happened recently that I feel as though I haven't had a chance to just breathe or deal with what has happened with my dad. I also feel as though I need a break or vacation of some sort after everything. I'm just so tired mentally and physically.
I don't think my brother understands what it has been like for me. Right after my dad's memorial service, he and one of my nephews left town for a basketball camp and were gone most of the week, so they did not have to deal with the storm, the aftermath and power outage headaches. They got to have a nice, fun break and then come home to a comfortable house. Power in their neighborhood was restored before mine, so they came home to a house with lights and AC and all of the comforts electricity brings.
On top of that, my brother and his family are heading off on their annual island beach vacation next week and will be gone for 9 days. They also enjoyed a nice long spring break vacation to Mexico back in March while my sister and I were here and our dad was going to Dr appointments and such.
I just feel like am I am being pushed and am expected to immediately dust myself off and hop right into some job I don't even want and am not ready for. Unlike my brother, I am not in some high-paying executive job that I can go back to immediately. Plus, the thought of commuting and being chained to a desk in some office all day is more than I can handle right now. I'm just not in that frame of mind yet and I don't know what to do. I am in this numb, auto-pilot frame of mind and just don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing, if that makes sense.
I know that I will eventually have to find something, but I am dreading that and wish more than anything that I could find a remote position that would at least allow me some flexibility and the ability to stay home and work in a quiet environment without the commute, micromanagement and all of the office politics. I've been thinking a lot about what I want out of life and spending most of my waking hours getting ready for, commuting to/from and being stuck all day in some office isn't it, Working in a newspaper newsroom has really put me off of being in a traditional office environment ever again.
My apologies for the long-winded post. Would appreciate any words of support or advice on what my next step should be.