I’ve decided that I want freedom.
I spent a lot of time teaching myself and exploring so that I would be able to give myself things that I couldn’t have, couldn’t afford. Before, when all was simpler and all I had was time, and maybe some energy. All I wanted was to be able to buy stuff. Now, a lot of effort into the future, I do have a bit of change in the bank and a couple of outdated game consoles.
But I want more.
I want to own my own life and my own time. I want to decide when I go to sleep and when I wake up. When I shut up and when I say fuck you. It is truly exhausting that I have to hold my tongue, that I have to stand and take it to the chin, that I have to behave a certain way, or else.
It’s not healthy to be in constant anxiety that tomorrow whoever is the boss of me will decide that I’m not worth what I make anymore. That whoever owns my living will decide that “fuck you”.
It’s not worth it and it will never be. We cannot barter, we cannot talk. It doesn’t matter how good they decide to make the work conditions, they were not my decisions. And just because the decisions tipped in my favor today it doesn’t mean that tomorrow they will. I need to look after myself and better use the knowledge I fought so hard for and whatever little intelligence I have. I live in my head and it's all I can see. I’m my own universe and I want to have peace as I inhabit it. Not constantly worry that I make someone mad and all of a sudden I’m broke and in trouble.
All my life I had to shut up and not be a man, at least not a complete one. Because my parents owned me and everything I did. I worked so hard to be independent and make my own decisions, be my own man. I wanted the freedom to be a prick if I deemed it appropriate. But all my life I had to shut up and not talk back, not stand my ground or defend my views. I put my head down and grinded so that I could be of any value, so that I would be my own person and not depend on anyone.
Little did I know I was never to escape this predicament. I was to always be a child. If not dependent on my parents it would be in a more powerful stranger who doesn't even love me, who doesn’t even care.
What do I do? Where do I run. Am I only good to be treated like children? To be given orders and to be told to hush? To watch insane money come in and count the days until I see my crumbs?
To work even when I’m sick? When I don’t feel like it? When all I wanna do is cry? When all I wanna do is art? And play? And have peace?
When I was little I never thought I’d have to sit at a desk everyday from noon to evening and trade my life force for someone else's dream. Never would I imagine I would have to put my dreams and aspirations away so that I could eat, so that I could afford the next buggy game and another bag of chips.
Everyday I look out the office window and see the sun, and the street and the horizon and I seriously consider just running outside and never stop. Never come back.
But I’m tired. I can't anymore. I didn’t sleep enough cause I wanted more time for myself but now I can barely make it through the day.
I don't want to fight anymore and I can’t run.
Now I just wish I could at least work less hours.
Maybe my knees would hurt less.