Just so tired and depressed spending my days at a job where I don't use my actual skills or passion or pointless expensive degrees, only to barely make enough money to pay rent, utilities, etc. I don't have money to do fun things, go on vacation or even just visit my mom when I want to–can hardly get time off cuz we have a small staff and can't really afford to take time off anyway. As I drive home from work I can feel my car struggling, and I don't have the money for a new (used) car, and keep pushing off going to the mechanic because I know I can't afford it, ran out of gas last week and a co-worker kindly rescued me because I just didn't have money to put in the tank and my car is too old to tell me actually how empty empty is. Yesterday I drove by the grocery store on the way home from work wishing I could just buy a bunch of stupid frozen meals because I'm too tired and depressed to cook, but I can't even rationalize that, so I'm having a lot of rice and beans this weekend. I can't work more hours because I would lose my Medicare if I did, and even with more hours, after paying the insurance premium that would be offered by my job, along with co-pays and meds, it wouldn't even even out. I have a chronic illness (which also makes it difficult to work more), plus just assorted little random health things, and I take a lot of meds and visit some sort of doctor at least a couple times a month, and would absolutely not be able to afford that health care without Medicare. That being said, much of my doctor and health care experience with Medicare has not left me especially satisfied, but at least my healthcare isn't a huge expense right now…
I've barely paid off a third of my 2022 taxes (they were way higher than I expected based on 2021)… made less than 20,000 last year, scraping by and not saving a cent–i believe in taxes, but I also hate what a lot of taxes go toward and don't go toward, and it's just seems unethical to owe like 10% of nothing, when that's everything to me.
I am extremely privileged and grateful that my grandfather left me money to pay for my undergrad degree and I had a few little scholarships as well, and then I had a TA-ship in grad school that gave me a tuition waiver, so at least don't have student debt– which is an evil shackling concept that wasn't really addressed when people my age were getting ready to go to college…
I feel so much resentment toward this fake world/US that was presented to us. It was presented as a given that if you graduate high school and go to college and work hard, you could get a half decent job and would be able to afford your life. I don't want or need anything extravagant. I just want to place to live, a reliable car, to be able to afford healthcare and food, and do something fun once in a while, travel maybe, visit loved ones before they die, buy something pretty for myself once in a while…. Little me would be so heartbroken to learn none of her (even modest) dreams have come true, and in fact, the bare minimum is so difficult.
I also feel like I'm “cursed” with skills that are not marketable or valued by society. I am a good writer, editor, reader; I'm extremely creative and flexible with my creativity; I'm artistic, thoughtful, analytical, hard-working, and I have excellent critical thinking skills that could ostensibly be applied to a lot of jobs/tasks. I have a good education I can put on paper. It literally doesn't matter. I can't even get an interview for a decent job. Plus they all require experience that I can't seem to get the opportunity to acquire, and they want skills and knowledge that I don't have, though I could get by taking some courses, but that's also not a guarantee my resume would get a second glance, and that's just more money and time and effort.. And I feel like I've already spent so much time and money and effort, and no fruit.
If curious, I work 25 to 30 hours in office a week, and then I guess as “side hustles,” I also sell crap on eBay, walk and sit dogs, do some child care, and I'm also a freelance artist. I feel stretched thin by all of this, and don't feel I have much to show for it, not financially, or even just as an achievement to point to.
I know so many people are in similar precarious positions or worse positions, and also work a lot more and harder than me. And at least I don't have children I need to provide for or extensive debt haunting me. I also know I have a safety net and my mother would loan me money in an emergency, but she's not wealthy, is retired and doesn't have an income, and I don't want to and shouldn't have to do that. I really wanted to be able to the help her and give her nice things at this point in my life. I also know If things got worse, I do have the option to leave my life and go live with her in my hometown that I really dislike the general politics and vibe of, and is full of bad memories. But that being said, I am grateful and privileged to have that as a back up, and I know I'm not going to end up homeless or starving, and a lot of people don't have that sort of net.
I'm sorry this was largely a personal rant and is essentially pointless. I don't know if anyone will read or care, but what the hell is happening? I feel like we're living in multiple apocalypses at once and things are just getting worse, even things we seemingly have the technology, intelligence and ability to improve… just not a priority for the people in power and with money. And maybe we're all doomed, but even so, I just think everyone should have the opportunity to not spend their one life striving to have their basic needs met… What happens when the so-called “pursuit of happiness” is unpursuable because people don't even have their basic needs met? Meanwhile, people are sitting on golden toilets (figuratively but certainly some literal ones too), complaining about being called a Nepo baby, buying tickets to space, spending billions on self-indulgent doomed excursions to the sea floor… Like, Hello from the ground, humanity is here on Earth and most of us aren't okay and don't have a path to anywhere else.
One small thread of light in thinking about this– maybe–at least mentally, if I'm trying to find a shred of light, is that it seems like often the mega wealthy don't even live in the real world, don't see or understand the real world. They live in a simulation made of money. Their existence is so much easier and kushier and weird compared to what most people experience, but their eyes aren't even open. Maybe some people are okay with living in willful ignorant bliss, but I wouldn't want to like that either.