I cycle through hobbies. For a stretch of time I become obsessed with Minecraft. Then that will subside and I'll go on a writing binge. No that's not accurate. That will subside and I'll go through a period of funk where I come home exhausted from work, wanting to play Minecraft but only having the energy to stare at my phone. I'll grow frustrated with myself, lament that Minecraft will always become just another hobby that never culminates in satisfaction because like everything else I never “stick with it.” Then as the funk subsides I'll get really into writing. It will be fun for a while, until I find myself coming home from work too exhausted to write, and lament the fact that I'll never become a published author because I can never “stick with it.” Then the funk will subside and I'll get really into television shows…
Now, after reading the above, many will probably assume that I'm blaming my job for not succeeding at my hobbies, when the issue is clearly me. The issue is clearly my lack of discipline, my lack of sticking to things. People have probably assumed that I'm accusing my job of holding my time hostage and preventing me from pursuing my passions. However, that's…. not really it. Only a small piece of a bigger picture. What I'm saying will become clear below, but I wanted to take a moment to dispell some preconceived notions.
The point I'm getting to starts to become clearer when we start to analyze WHY I want my hobbies to “culminate” in something at all. I started out with Minecraft intentionally, as a hobby less likely to be seen as “productive” and more likely to be seen as a leisure activity. Why do I expect even a leisure activity like Minecraft to “culminate” in something?
That's a complicated question with a complicated answer, but an aspect of that answer includes the fact that Minecraft, like virtually every other hobby, is a hobby that I've tried to, at some point, monetize. I tried my hand at the whole “Minecraft YouTuber” thing.
I've continually aspired to be a science fiction author.
I've explored writing video essays on television shows for YouTube.
I've attempted an anime podcast.
I could go on.
Now, I've so far “failed” at each of these things, and the simplistic reason is again, I wasn't dedicated enough, didn't work hard enough, etc.
But the issue goes deeper. Every time I get “serious” about something for a period of time, I burn out, and find that the passion really isn't there. Probably because I'm doing it “for the wrong reasons.” I'm always doing it as a path to “escape” my current situation.
If I want to free up the time and energy to do this thing I like, then I first need to get successful at it, so I can “escape” the need for a traditional job. Becoming successful at X thing will allow X thing to become my main source of income, enabling me to do more of X thing as well as enabling me to do more of Y and Z thing as well.
Obviously the above attitude is really flawed and doomed to lead to failure. Whether it's being a writer, a YouTuber, a streamer, or any other “passion as career” style job, one of the most common pieces of advice you hear is, “you'll only succeed if you do it for passion. If you do it for money you won't succeed.”
So inevitably, I end up in this sort of weird catch 22 in which I am passionate about something, but at the same time can't help but eventually frame that something as the great “escape,” as the thing upon which to stake my happiness, which makes success a requirement, which makes “sustainability” (and thus money to live) a requirement, something I HAVE to achieve… and in the process of adopting this mindset, my passion is killed. My energy is depleted. The thought of doing that thing that used to be fun makes me recoil.
So, obviously, the answer is… just let hobbies be hobbies! Stop trying to monetize them, stop attaching ideas of success to them, stop staking your happiness on them, and just… do them for fun! Don't worry if you commit to them. Let yourself cycle through them. Let things just be leisure. That's fine!
Except, when you're living paycheck to paycheck. When you're barely making ends meet. When your life feels stagnant and the thought of this being… all there is. With nothing to look forward to. When the thought of that causes you to feel despair. When it's been this way for every job you've ever had- despite having a degree. Despite having done all of the right things. When all of this is true, what do you inevitably do? You start looking for an escape.
You start envisioning the “kind of life” you imagine (whether true or not) would be more tolerable.
You start asking yourself what the path to get there could look like.
And inevitably, you start looking back towards your hobbies.
And soon the cycle continues. Soon work isn't the only thing that's exhausting. So too are the very things that are supposed to be leisure. That are supposed to be fun. Soon, even your passions are hijacked by a capitalist mindset you don't know how to escape.