When i was younger i got a scholarship to a private school.
I was really skilled at art – my skill set was already years ahead of my classmates and the teachers encouraged me to enter competitions, which i won pretty regularly. I wasn’t just good at art, i actually enjoyed it. I got enrichment and happiness from it.
But I knew I couldn’t pursue it in the future as a job because I wouldn’t be able to survive off that.
Instead I pursued Law at university. I didn’t care much for it and would have loved to do art, but it was tolerable. Overall my university experience was fun, i liked it.
Now, I’m studying for the bar. I went through 4 months of sleeping 2-4.5 hours a night because of the gruelling amount of content and the long commute I take. It’s really taken a toll on my mental health, because even after studying 10+ hours a day, I still struggle immensely.
Today i was scrolling through my instagram feed and again I saw one of my old classmates open up their first exhibition. I don’t know if it was just exhaustion, but i broke down crying. These people grew up in generational wealth, and they could actually afford to pursue their dreams. I feel horrible in admitting this, but i am extremely jealous. I have always been significantly better at art than these people. Yet they are the ones who can pursue it, because money is not an issue for them.
To add insult to injury, I thought that this path would be more realistic because id earn money. But in this financial climate, I cant ever see myself owning a house despite how much i work.
This all sounds very pathetic and self pitying. I might even delete it later. But i just had to get that off my chest.