It's “Employee Appreciation Week” at work…. ugh….
We got art supplies in the break room on Monday, an ice cream truck parked out front on tuesday (not free, mind you, it was just parked there if we wanted it), a FREE COOKIE IN THE BREAKROOM TODAY (OH MY GOD YOU GUYS!!!!), our choice of a keychain, pen cup, or mousepad for our THURSDAY APPRECIATION GIFT tomorrow, and Friday, we'll be holding a company wide (mandatory) event to give out employee awards for “[Company] Rookie of the Year, the Spirit Award, and” fuckin' yadda yadda….
Oh, and also, THIS psychotic email.
“To help you understand the total annual investment [Company] is making in you and your work at [Company], please find an attached document showing your individualized overall compensation and benefits provided by [Company]. We hope this information is helpful in showing [Company]'s annual investment in you and your work here at [Company]. (Think I typed that twice? Oh no no… it WAS that redundant, they're REAAALLY investing in me, you guys! They sure as shit won't let me forget was an INVESTMENT I am) Please note, although we have tried to be as accurate as possible, some of the amounts contained in the document may be estimates and may not be exact amounts.”
They sure fucking aren't, by the way. Their estimate of what they're “iNvEStiNg” includes a 401K match that I DO NOT get, short-term disability insurance that I opted out of, Vision insurance that I also opted out of, Oh, and just threw this line item in as a special “fuck you”: “Paid Mental Health Day/Flexible Holiday (each year after employed 1 year) – $0.00 “
So they listed annual compensation at $32,761.26, then added Benefits Total equalling $18,660.87 (including shit listed above that I don't get), and in big bold letters at the bottom
TOTAL OVERALL (COMPENSATION + BENEFITS) = $51,422.13
Uhm… no? You puffed that fucking number up because… and the reason I'm writing this fucking post… I was DENIED the contingency wages that you so excitedly announced, and yet somehow could afford to rent out an ice cream truck, rack up a tab at Michaels, make a bunch of gaudy office trinkets with the company logo poorly ironed onto them, and throw us a big ass (mandatory) award event, all while sticking in my face a “compensation” I actually only get about 3/5ths of.
And cherry on top… I know what MY team alone pulls PER MONTH for the company, and ONE MONTH of that work grossly exceeds your ESTIMATED amount of 50K+. One month. I make up my entire year's salary in ONE. MONTH.
But glad you SPELLED OUT how little you think your fucking “investment” is worth. Fuck yourself.