I started working in a care home. I have done community care before and enjoy working with the patients. But I'm extremely timid around colleagues and don't chat much with them as it is an extremely toxic workplace.
Today was my first full day off my training and I gave 3 people a shower and got 3 other people washed and dressed and ready for breakfast. When a colleague asks me to do something I do. I always ask If any colleagues needs help. I'll work hard but I'm not talkative as I've nothing to say. I'll only ask about tasks and work.
1 colleague came up to me and asked me to work an extra day I was hesitant because I didn't want to and I am very kind and panic a lot. Another colleague who she gets on with overheard and knew that I didn't want to and she came over and stuck up for me (she warned me when I first started. She said she can tell I'm a very nice person and if there was any advice it would be to not let them take advantage. That if they ask you work when you don't want to, say no.) The colleague that asked me told me to come to the office and the other colleague said 'no leave her alone she doesn't want to do it and I'll tell the manager and she walked Upto the manager's office and told them for me.' I thought this was very kind of her to do. Later I thanked her and she said I know your too nice to say no (when I first started I personally told her that I don't want to be asked to work all the time because once that happens the rest of my life falls apart.) So that's how she knew I didn't want to.
At the start of the shift you get body maps to take pictures of wounds. A senior said they didn't get any of mines. And I spent time going back to get the pictures done there were 2 people left and were out with family at that time and I was finishing my shift so the senior asked me to give the body map to the colleague who was on a longer shift.(the senior said it Infront of the colleague who was on the longer day) She had a face on her when I passed her the body map and then I walked past a bathroom she was in there with another colleague bitching and shouting about me and how I only do half a job…..
My mind goes blank when I'm with colleagues I just don't have anything to say. I have bad anxiety so my words come out all wrong and it makes me look very stupid. I struggle to express myself and have a backbone. Like what the hell am I meant to say? I can't think straight until I'm home. I can't process what to say but when I'm with my partner or family I'm absolutely fine. I just ask what needs doing and agree on which residents I will give care and off I go and do it.
I think it's mad because growing up everyone was scared of my dad. He was a very strong, angry guy, was jailed for attempted murder (not proud of this nor bragging about it) Everyone was scared of him but me. If he spoke to me badly I can put him in his place and I do so easily without thinking about it, no mumbling or stuttering. Yet I am the most scared, nervous person in the world with colleagues and wouldn't say boo to a goose. Words can't come out my mouth when I'm with colleagues. I Just think it's strange how I'm like this and it affects my life a lot in terms of work life. Not that I want to be scary but I have a history of being taking advantage of and treated like garbage at every job I've been in.
I don't know how to deal with colleagues like this it makes me feel really offended and inferior. I'm just a human who wants to do my job and go home and forget about it. I'm not confrontational, I'm not mean I'm just here to care for the patients and to treat them well and do what I can for them. A lot of the patients tell me how I'm a lot kinder and speak to them with a lot more respect than some of the others. I have been getting a lot of positive comments from the residents. I just suck at working with other colleagues it's very difficult for me.